


Identify

by gayasfolk



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, F/M, rachel berry & sam evans bromance, transguy!rachel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2018-07-11 19:24:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 38,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7066906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayasfolk/pseuds/gayasfolk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucy and Rachel are not the girls they were in Elementary school. They have both gone through transitions that leave them almost unrecognisable. After meeting again in the halls of McKinley as Ray and Quinn, their shared secrets bring them closer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The first time they locked eyes in the halls of McKinley High School, she was laughing after witnessing members of the glee club get showered in grape flavoured slushy. It was their sophomore year and already Quinn had donned the flashy title of Head Cheerleader, with her Quarterback arm-candy she was practically unstoppable.

Right after she slammed her locker to head off to fourth period, she saw those losers in the glee club be soaked by two of Finn’s neanderthal teammates. The laughter that bubbled up inside her just managed to overwhelm the pang of empathy she felt towards them. She was on top now, and she would never go back to being down where they were; she had to keep face.

Still covering her mouth with her perfectly manicured hand, her eyes locked on to those of a short brunette on the edge of the crowd. The face was like a spectre from the past, sending all feelings of mirth right out of her body. But before she could do anything, call out, make any sound at all, those familiar brown eyes had disappeared.

The second time was at Sectionals later in the year. Finn had joined glee club and Sue had her Unholy Trinity on spy duty. Quinn had reluctantly joined her oaf of a boyfriend and his loser friends to sing showtunes and dance, but after a while, she realised that the club was the only place she could really feel at home, not under a microscope, like at home or in the halls. She always had to be the perfect girl with the perfect grades and perfect hair and perfect figure, and then the baby debacle came and the glee kids were the only ones who stood by her.

Ringing with the angry and hurt words Finn had said in the choir room, she got on stage and did the only thing she knew to do, put on her stage face. The club wasn’t particularly good, lacking an enthusiastic and driven leader, but they scraped by with just enough members and a strong solo from Mercedes.

Just as she was belting out the last note, their eyes met again. This time the face looked different, older, more… masculine. The eyes roamed the whole group eagerly, almost wistfully, as if they wanted nothing more than to join them on stage. Lips silently moving along to the songs and head swaying slightly to the beat, the focus Quinn was getting fuelled her to give it her all.

When they won, she searched the crowd but the face was nowhere to be seen.

Glee club’s devastating loss at Regionals reduced their popularity even more, and, desperate for new members after Matt’s transfer, they decided to perform during lunch. Though they were good, the crowd milled about them like they weren’t even there. While Finn caught the new guy tapping his foot to the beat, Quinn was once again distracted by the presence of the not-as-short-as-usual brunette, now with broad shoulders and a square jaw, sitting alone staring enraptured at the performers. This time, she wasn’t going to let him get away. She had to know if this was just some weird hallucination brought on by her troubled past, or if it really was just some huge coincidence.

As soon as they had changed out of their costumes, she went on the prowl. The feeling of seeing the crowds part as she passed through, fear of the red and white uniform and what it meant making her powerful again, was amazing. Finally feeling some semblance of power after months of having it stripped from her felt like a lifeline.

She searched the school in vain for the person who may or may not just help pull her up.

 

* * *

 

 

Ray Berry had almost perfected the art of being invisible. Being invisible was safe; it meant no bullying, and no one finding out. For about eleven years of his life he had lived as Rachel Berry, the girl who wanted everything too much and couldn’t shut up about it. Rachel was teased all through elementary and middle school for being who she was, a star and not ashamed of it. Her fathers exalted her and told her that no matter what the bullies said or did, the most important thing was for her to follow her dreams.

He tried so hard to convince himself that the reason he felt lost and uncomfortable all the time was because his talent wasn’t being appreciated, but when puberty came he finally realised that it was because he wasn’t being true to who he was.

He started visiting a gender identity clinic at the age of thirteen and by the age of fourteen he had started hormone blockers, cut his hair, and in his new school McKinley High, he was registered as Ray. He had decided with his fathers that it would be best to be stealth about his gender identity, it was a small town in Ohio and they already got shunned for being gay fathers. So on his first day of school, he kept his head down and his mouth shut, and somehow no one bothered him.

When the story of Quinn Fabray, the youngest head cheerleader in a decade, reached his ears he felt his stomach flip. It couldn’t be the same person. The person he knew from Middle School, the only friend he’d had back then, she most certainly wasn’t a cheerleader. And anyway her name was Lucy Fabray. Lucy Quinn Fabray.

He couldn’t fully believe it until he saw her with his own eyes. She strode into Spanish class, blonde hair, five sizes smaller, no glasses and a different nose, but it was most certainly her. He kept his eyes down and hood on, fear gripping his throat at the thought of her recognising him. She sat flirting with the enormous guy next to her, unaware of the brown eyes observing her from across the room.

He got to know that the new Lucy, Quinn, was very different to the one he knew. Those who crossed her or just were too ‘lame’ in her eyes would be dealt with using either harsh words or a slushy facial from her football team lackies. However, when their eyes met after one such slushy event, he could see the fear and remorse written plainly upon her features. He stood, entranced for a moment before remembering himself and slipping away. He did his best to avoid her for the rest of the year.

There was one thing that often made him question staying invisible, and that was glee club. Even though he’d lost a large chunk of his self-confidence, he still longed for his chance in the spotlight, his chance to show everyone how much of a star he was. It was like a raging fire pushing him to join, put himself out there, but it was dimmed significantly by the thought of what might happen if he did. So he kept his low profile, ignoring the pangs of longing he felt whenever he caught them performing.

Ray knew it must have seemed nigh on masochistic to book tickets to their Sectionals performance, but he just couldn’t pass up on the opportunity. He spent the whole of the performance overwhelmed by the aura of it all, but still picking up on all the times one of them went flat or stumbled slightly on a dance move.

Try as he might to stop it, Ray’s eyes kept wandering over to Quinn. Her effortless movements and beaming smile were captivating, but what distracted Ray was the way it didn’t quite reach her eyes and the weariness of carrying another life weighing down on her shoulders.

He left after the performances, unable to bear the longing much longer.

Ray all but forgot about glee after that, channelling all his energy into his studies. That was until they decided to perform during lunch, invading his senses with their amazing talent. He tried his best not to look, he really did. He studied all the different seeds that were in the bread of his avocado and pesto sandwich, but in the end he gave up unable to keep himself from inspecting their choreography.

Of course, he picked just the wrong moment to look up. Quinn’s gaze shifted over to him and they locked eyes once again, and this time Quinn’s hardened into a determined look. Whatever she was determined to do, he guessed it wasn’t going to be good for his reputation as the guy with no reputation at all.

Avoiding open corridors and dashing into empty classrooms whenever he saw a cheerios uniform could only work for so long, he needed his books for his next class.  
He thought about not turning up to class, he doubted the teacher would notice, but no, if he wanted to get out of this hellhole of a town and have any chance at the spotlight, he would have to retain good grades.

Thwarted by his own ambition, Ray headed surreptitiously down the bustling corridor to his locker. Quickly stuffing the essentials into his bag, he slammed it shut, only to reveal one Quinn Fabray heading down the hallway.

Ray turned sharply almost colliding with a very flamboyant boy standing next to him.

“Hi, Kurt Hummel.” The boy said, extending a hand toward Ray.

“Hi.” Ray replied, proud of the way his voice was lower than Kurt’s but also anxious to leave before Quinn found him.

Kurt looked put off by the less than warm greeting but pressed on nonetheless.

“I saw you today in the courtyard. You were totally into our song. You should join, we’d love to have you in Glee.”

“I-uh I’ll think about-“

“Kurt!” Ray was cut off by a sharp call from a voice that sounded very much like Quinn’s. Taking Kurt’s distraction as an opportunity, he fled.


	2. Chapter 2

The glee clubbers were at a loss. Sam hadn’t shown up for his audition and the other kid was like a ghost, it was like no one even remembered he existed. With only eleven members and seemingly no hope of getting more, morale was low.

“Come on, guys! We’ll find new members, don’t worry.” Mr Shuester tried in vain to encourage the kids. “First, we have to get you guys back in shape. This week’s assignment…”

Quinn tuned out of his lesson about yet another eighties artist and how inspirational they were. Her thoughts were on the elusive boy she’d been tracking for days now.

Finn put his arm comfortingly, yet slightly heavily, around her shoulders. Somehow he’d managed to forgive her and the power couple once again reigned the school. But that meant nothing if they couldn’t use their power to do something worthwhile.

As much as she hated to admit it, glee club was the only thing she properly enjoyed in her life now. Cheerios had always been hell (but worth it to stay on top and keep in shape) and Santana and Brittany, her closest friends, were stuck in some transgressive lesbian spiral bound to end in tears.

That left Mercedes, and as much as Quinn enjoyed hanging out with her, they didn’t really have a lot in common. Plus she spent most days busy with Kurt anyway. Quinn supposed she should have put Finn in there somewhere but to be honest, all their dates at Breadstix and make out sessions just made her feel guilty.

“Okay! So since none of you had anything to perform this week, can you try and find something for next week. We have to get back in our groove if we want to win Sectionals this year.”

Quinn sighed heavily and hitched her bag onto her shoulder, not quite ready to return to the stifling atmosphere at home. She saw her two fellow cheerleaders link pinkies and knew that they weren’t going to be an option. Finn was off talking with the other guys about Halo night and Kurtcedes were already out the door.

Groaning internally, she strutted out of the choir room and to the parking lot, intent on taking the longest route home.

* * *

 

Ray’s perfectly constructed life had started to go wrong.

On Monday, he forgot to put on his Vitamin E cream for his surgery scars. On Wednesday, he bumped right into a football player, earning him a growl and a promise of a beating if it happened again. On Friday, he forgot the words to One Hand, One Heart when sitting down to watch West Side Story with his fathers. He just couldn’t concentrate on anything anymore and glee club was to blame.

Wherever he went, Ray would see their dejected faces and defaced or empty sign up sheets. Plus he was still trying desperately to avoid Quinn, made harder by their shared Spanish lesson. Luckily, she still hadn’t yet noticed him in the dark corner, but it was only a matter of time.

Maybe the only way to get her off his back would be to give them what they wanted, a new member. Not him obviously, but Ray had overheard them talking about a new kid called Sam who’d joined the football team instead. It would mean purposefully starting a conversation, but sacrifices had to be made.

Ray had on good authority that Sam would work out during lunch period, so after polishing off his vegan pasta dish, he headed over to the weights room. Just as predicted, the blond was sitting there lifting dumbbells.

“Uh Sam? Sam Evans?” Ray began nervously.

Sam looked up at the unexpected visitor confused, still lifting the weights.

“Yeah?”

All thoughts of his carefully constructed monologue left his head and in a panic he just blurted out: “You need to join glee club.”

“You’re in glee?”

“Uh well no but… some of my friends are and if you don’t then they won’t be able to compete and they’re all really depressed about it.”

Ray’s mind was on autopilot.

“I don’t know, man.” Sam looked uncomfortable. “I don’t really feel like being slushied all the time. I’m already having a tough time fitting in, being the new kid and all.”

“But you have to!” Ray cringed as soon as he said it.

Sam just raised an eyebrow, looking slightly amused.

“If you care so much, why don’t you join?” He countered.

Ray tried hard to think of an excuse, his mouth opening and closing but no words coming out.

“I-I don’t sing.” He offered lamely.

He cringed as his childhood self berated him for lying, knowing his singing voice was his strongest talent.

Sam chuckled, seeing right through Ray’s lie.

“I’ll tell you what, I’ll audition on one condition.”

Ray nodded eagerly, proud of himself for breaking him. Maybe this talking thing wasn’t so hard.

“You audition with me.” Ray felt his heart sink.

Dammit, so close.

 

The next few days were even worse for Ray. On Tuesday he was even late for school. What’s more, he kept on running into Sam, who’d give him a knowing grin instead of just glancing over him. Things were getting out of hand.

He decided to take the matter up with the two people he trusted most with his dilemmas, his dads.

When he brought it up at the dinner table, they exchanged a look. A short pause followed as they decided what to say.

“Ray, we’ve always encouraged you to do what makes you happy, to follow your dreams.” His dad looked at his daddy for support, who nodded in response.

“We feel that although your transition has definitely made you a lot happier, along the way you lost something, and we think that may have been your ambition to perform. Your daddy and I have only seen you truly happy with three things. When you got your first testosterone injection, when you got the date for your surgery and whenever you got up in front of an audience and sang your heart out.”

Ray felt tears form in his eyes and his dads squeezed his hands encouragingly.

“We understand that if it causes you too much anxiety, then maybe you shouldn’t do it. But we also believe that it could make you a lot happier.”

Nodding furiously Ray leapt up and pulled both of them into a bear hug. All the trepidation he had been feeling was pushed down by his excitement.

He just had to take the leap of faith and hopefully, he’d land on greener pastures.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: I wrote these chapters a while ago before they actually did I Lived in the show and I don't particularly want to change it because I like it as a duet that turns into a group performance. Also there will be more Brittana in the future, I promise!

 

* * *

 

Ray gave a wry smile at the shocked look on the faces of the New Directions as he and Sam stood in front of them, ready to perform. When Ray had a purpose he wouldn’t go half way.

The day after the talk with his fathers he had picked a song and tracked down Sam to rehearse it. Sam at first had been reluctant, sure that Ray wouldn’t have the guts to do it and he’d be spared, but he was a guy who kept true to his word so he gave in. Two days later he was standing, guitar in hand, ready to perform.

“Okay, show us what you got!” Mr Shue said, grinning enthusiastically.

Sam nodded and began to pick at the strings before singing the first few lines.

_Hope when you take that jump, you don't fear the fall_

_Hope when the water rises, you built a wall_

_Hope when the crowd screams out, they're screaming your name_

_Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay_

He felt a rush of adrenaline as he saw the appreciative faces of their audience. Ray replaced him for the next verse, his voice clean, powerful and rich with feeling.

_Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad_

_The only way you can know is give it all you have_

_And I hope that you don't suffer but take the pain_

_Hope when the moment comes, you'll say..._

Hitting every note perfectly, he led on to the chorus, joined by Sam, the band and various members of the club. A guy he recognised as Mike Chang even got up and did an impromptu dance to accompany it. Sam and Ray harmonised together for the second verse and once again went into the chorus. This time the whole club joined in to create a beautiful crescendo.

Ray caught Quinn watching him as they performed, an impressed twinkle in her eyes.

The electric thrill of the performance made him forget his anxieties completely and he danced with practically every member of the club, including her. When the music finally ended, they were all breathless but in high spirits.

“Wow that was amazing, guys!” Mr Shue enthused. “Welcome Sam and Ray to New Directions!”

The club cheered and the two guys high fived each other.

“Now let’s get down to business, does anyone have a performance they’d like to show us?”

Time passed quickly and after a performance from both Mercedes and Puck (Puck keeping with his tradition of only singing songs by Jews) and a lesson about very outdated pop music, it was time to go.

Ray had a habit of leaving pretty quickly after classes. It meant no one would have time to strike up conversation with you while you pack. This time was no different and he bolted from the choir room.

“Hey you!” Ray heard the voice just as he was about to leave the building. No one was around and it was impossible to pretend he hadn’t heard the shout. He stopped and turned around slowly.

A rather annoyed looking Quinn Fabray strode up to him.

“Hi, can I help you?” He offered meekly.

“We need to talk.”

She suddenly looked around nervously, seeing the others emerging from the choir room.

“In private.”

Hot anxiety poured into his veins and his heart started pounding erratically. This was it. He followed her into an open nearby classroom and busied himself with inspecting the display to avoid her scrutiny.

“Um so what is it you wanted to talk about?” Ray said after almost a minute of silence had passed.

He looked over at Quinn, who was still standing in the doorway, with her arms crossed. She looked like she wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words, resorting instead to inspecting his features closely. She was still giving off her HBIC attitude but he could tell that she was uncertain and awkward underneath all the bravado.

“I was just wondering whether um you- I mean if we-“ She paused and huffed irritably. “I wad wondering if we used to know each other.”

There it was, the words he’d been dreading. He thought about lying, just going “I don’t think so I just moved here from Mexico” but 1. he spoke limited Spanish and 2. the name Ray Berry was a dead giveaway.

Why couldn’t he have changed his name to something less similar, like Jack or Michael? Would it be so bad if he confessed? Would she freak out and tell everyone?

Looking at Quinn’s face, Ray saw all the features of the girl he once knew become so prominent. He couldn’t quite tell why but he suddenly remembered a conversation they’d had after the popular kids had taunted Lucy, saying she was a loser with no friends. She had run to Rachel during lunch and broke down crying. When Rachel asked what was wrong, she didn’t reply.

“You’re my friend, right?” She asked instead.

Rachel had looked her in the eyes and answered earnestly. “Always.”

Ray smiled at the thought. They were always there for each other whatever happened, and maybe she had changed to Quinn now, but it was worth the risk to know if Lucy was still there somewhere.

“Yeah, we did.” Ray replied softly. “We used to be friends in Middle School.”

Quinn was conflicted. Part of her knew it was true and had known since she saw him, but another part of her didn’t want to believe it.

“But you’re a-“

“Guy, yes.” He finished for her calmly, as if it wasn’t a big deal. Which it completely was. How could- Oh. She suddenly felt uneasy.

“So you are-“

“Transgender, yes.” He finished again, this time slightly more apprehensive.

She saw his eyes glance down at the cross on her neck and then back up to her face. It wasn’t like she was a bigot, she was completely fine with Kurt, and Brittany and Santana weren’t exactly straight either and they were her best friends. But she had never really thought about transgender people. Frankly she never thought she’d ever meet one in person.

She’d heard her father scoff at news stories about them, and she herself had called people ‘trannies’ as an insult. She wanted to say that it was completely fine, but everything she knew told her to say the opposite.

“God doesn’t make mistakes.” She blurted out, her religious upbringing kicking into action. She didn’t quite understand the twist of discomfort she felt by saying those words.

Ray sighed heavily. He had expected this really, he knew about how conservative her parents were but he really thought she might be more liberal given what she’d been through.

“I can’t tell you your religion is wrong, Quinn, because I don’t have any more knowledge about it than you. What I do know is that for most of my life I’ve had to live as a girl, have everyone see me as a girl, and it hurt me so much. I can tell you that the happiest day of my life was the day I had corrective surgery on my chest and that I feel so much lighter and happier presenting as a boy. Maybe God doesn’t make mistakes and his plan all along was for me to go through all that, I don’t know. But I did not choose this, nor did I make it up. So you can choose to believe my identity is invalid, or you can respect me. It’s your choice.”

Ray took a deep breath to calm himself down.

“What I will ask of you is that you keep my identity to yourself. I’m not ashamed of who I am but who knows what people might do in this town if they found out.”

He gave her a quick forced smile and then pushed past her, leaving Quinn in the classroom reeling with more questions than when she entered it. Ray strode purposefully out of the front doors. The feeling of being reminded about his precarious position in life twisted his gut painfully.

He was so engrossed in his own troubled thoughts that he barrelled into Sam.

“Woah dude, watch where you’re- hey you okay?” Sam looked into his pale face concernedly.

Ray was still reeling slightly from being knocked out of his thoughts.

“Uh yeah I’m just rather tired, that’s all.” He replied, forcing another smile.

“You sure? Want me to give you a ride home?”

Though the prospect of walking home right now didn’t seem pleasant, the thought of spending the journey cooped up with another person was worse.

“Really, I’m fine.” The fact that someone was actually looking out for him turned his smile genuine. “I probably need the exercise anyway.”

Sam nodded and smiled back.

“See you around.”

 

The next few days were tense for Ray to say the least. He wasn’t sure that Quinn would keep his secret; if she so much as let it slip to one person, he could be in real trouble. Rumour spread through the school faster than wildfire.

Spanish class had become awful ever since Mr Shue noticed Ray’s existence in his class and decided to call on him for far too many questions as compensation for forgetting about him. That meant not only did increasingly more people know of his existence, but also Quinn noticed that they shared a class. It was Tuesday morning and his nerves were fried.

Walking into Spanish, he noticed eyes on him. The boy who sat in the front row was giving him a once over and two girls glanced at him from the corner. He looked down at his white t-shirt anxiously. Was it see through? Could they see his scars? He tried to calm his erratic heartbeat as he made his way over to his seat. The spectators seemed to have stopped looking, but a new set of eyes was on him now. Quinn.

Mr Shue came in and started the lesson enthusiastically but everything was muffled in Ray’s ears. What if she told everyone? What if they were all silently judging him? What if after school the jocks got to him? The room started to feel stuffy and far too small too breathe. His breaths were coming out sporadically and it felt like his head and throat were being squeezed.

In the back of his mind he could tell he was overreacting but it was like his mind was on overdrive. He had to get out of here. He raised his clammy hand and asked to go to the toilet. It almost felt like someone else was talking.

Mr Shue nodded and asked if he was alright. Ray replied rather unconvincingly that he was fine before bolting out of the door.

The halls were eerily quiet but the lack of people relieved some of the pressure on his lungs and head. Making his way to the boy’s toilets, he suddenly felt hot tears on his face and his vision went blurry. He pushed through the door and locked himself into one of the cubicles.

Tears kept coming and coming; the feeling of letting out the emotions was so freeing. He realised that for a long time he had been suppressing his emotions, hiding so much by trying to be invisible that he forgot to keep track of how it made him feel. All the stress and pain from the last year or so just came pouring out and soon his sleeves were sodden.

Hearing a vague shrill sound told him he’d been in the toilets for the whole lesson, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. The sound of the door opening shocked Ray back into reality, stemming the flow of tears. He held his breath and waited until who ever it was did their business and left.

“Ray?” A husky voice that was all too familiar. “Are you in here?”

Quinn’s voice was soft and full of concern and part of Ray wanted to reveal himself and be comforted. But he couldn’t let her – anyone – see him like this.

“Ray?” The voice rang out again, laced with concern that sent more tears to his eyes.

As hard as he tried to stop it, a sob broke out of him and he heard her intake of breath. Soft footsteps trod towards his cubicle and halted outside. He could almost feel her indecision, unsure whether she should pry more or just let it go. He took a steadying breath and cleared his throat.

“I’m fine, Quinn. I just um needed a bit of space.” He cringed at the sound of his wobbly so-obviously-not-fine voice and excuse.

“Right. Okay. I-um, I need to get to class.”

Ray felt a mixture of relief and disappointment stir in his chest as he heard her footsteps receding out of the cramped foul-smelling bathroom.

 

Quinn knew she should have stayed. Regret circled her mind during the rest of her lessons, distracting her from the information needed to retain her oh so important GPA.

It wasn’t like they were friends, not anymore at least, both of them had changed beyond recognition, and yet a part of her felt like she owed it to him. No, if she was to keep her status as reinstated HBIC she needed to focus on other parts of her life: Finn, the Cheerios, her intimidation of the lower classes of students (which incidentally included Ray).

She knew she didn’t have to worry about him spilling the beans about her alter ego of the past as her dirt on him was much bigger. So why did she care? She left that life and every part of it behind when she made the transition to Quinn. She made the sacrifices (namely students lower down on the social hierarchy) and now was revered. She even managed to come back from teen pregnancy for god’s sake.

The thought of Beth sent the familiar twang of loss and longing into her diaphragm, which she then stubbornly suppressed. Those things were things of the past; she wouldn’t let them cling onto her like Jacob Ben Israel to any mildly attractive girl. She was a self-made and remade woman. It hadn’t been easy getting to the top and she sure as hell wasn’t going to let herself slip down again like a teenage female Sisyphus.

The last bell rang and she groaned internally as she realised she had Cheerios practice. Jogging over to the pitch she ran into the other two members of the Unholy Trinity. Quinn rolled her eyes at the disgusting heart-eyes they were shooting at each other and tried to slip past unnoticed, but Santana wasn’t going to let that happen.

“What’s got its stick shoved up your ass, Q?” She smirked. “That came out dirtier than expected. Please don’t say Finn.”

Quinn wrinkled her nose in disgust.

“Ew and there is no stick up my ass Santana. Get to practice or Sue will have your heads.”

Santana snorted and followed after her as she strode away, Brittany dutifully skipping behind.

“You’re even more tightly wound than usual, Juno. What’s the deal?”

“When your face does that it usually means you make us do extra laps during practice.” Brittany chimed in.

“If you two don’t drop it now I’ll make you wish you just had to do extra laps.”

Santana give a low whistle.

“Whatever it is, it sure has your panties in a twist.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Hey dude!”

Ray heard Sam calling down the corridor but decided it couldn’t possibly be for him. He carried on down the hall, dodging the odd football player and cheerio, and headed to his usual lunch spot.

“Dude, wait up!”

Okay maybe it was for him. Ray turned around to face his new semi-friend. They didn’t really see each other much but out of all the kids at McKinley, Sam was probably the closest Ray had to a friend.

“Finn invited the Glee guys to a video game night at his tonight as a sort of bonding exercise for us newbies. You wanna go?” Sam quirked his rather full lips into a hopeful smile, hoping to not be the only newbie there.

Everything in Ray told him to say no. Socialisation versus Friday night at home singing along to Chicago in his room. It wasn’t really a comparison. But the look in Sam’s eyes, that actually made him feel wanted, made him hesitate.

“I’m not much of a gamer…” He tried lamely.

“From what I’ve heard neither is Mike. Don’t worry you won’t be alone.”

If he was going to be part of this Glee club, he should at least try and make some acquaintanceship with its members.

“Fine, as long as there are no disturbing initiation rituals.”

Sam laughed heartily, which brought a smile to Ray’s lips.

“I can’t promise anything.” He replied with a wink. “I’m gonna go hit the gym. See you after school!”

And with that he jogged off to further assert his masculinity. The warm smile stayed on Ray’s lips as he made his way past the lunch hall to the chairs outside. Though it was kind of cold outside, sitting there for lunch meant less people noticed his loneliness. However as he sat in his usual spot, the seats next to and opposite him were suddenly filled. 

Kurt and a girl he remembered as Mercedes made themselves comfortable as Ray stared, confused.

“You don’t mind if we sit with you, do you?” Kurt asked.

Ray dumbly shook his head, unsure why the two resident divas had sought out his company.

“We noticed you don’t have anyone to sit with and since you’re in Glee, you’re part of the family now.” Mercedes added, as if reading his mind.

Warmth spread from his stomach into his limbs as the two of them tucked into their meals. Soon enough, Artie, Tina and Mike had all joined them, chatting with Ray like they were old friends. The group got onto the topic of slushies and when Ray mentioned how he’d never been slushied they all looked at him in shock.

“But… how?” Artie asked, perplexed. “I mean not to be rude or anything but you’re not really high in the social hierarchy. How come you’ve never been hit by the ice grenade?”

Ray shrugged.

“I guess I just managed to keep under the radar. No one really knew who I was.”

They all looked slightly sheepish at that, realising that they too hadn’t known who he was before he auditioned.

“Anonymity has its perks.” He added with a small smile.

“Well now you’ve joined Glee you should probably start bringing in a spare outfit, you won’t stay under the radar for long.” Kurt said sympathetically.

Trepidation crept into Ray’s chest as he saw the uneasy faces of his fellow club members. 

“You won’t have to go through it alone though. We’re all veterans.” Mike added, noticing that they were scaring away a valuable asset to the New Directions.

The other glee clubbers nodded their agreement.

“Once you’ve had a few you almost get used to it.” Artie said.

 

“Welcome to my humble room.” Finn spread his large arms wide and hit one into the wall.

The glee boys (minus Kurt as he didn't like to be associated as such) squeezed into Finn's room, Puck carrying Artie bridal style. He placed him down on the bed and the rest of them made themselves comfortable on various pieces of furniture as Finn fiddled with the console.

"There's only four controllers so we're gonna have to take turns."

Puck and Artie stuck their hands out immediately.

"Shotgun first go." They said simultaneously.

Finn chuckled and chucked the controllers to them. He held out the other two to Ray and Sam. Sam grinned and thanked him but Ray declined.

"Uh I think I'll sit out of this one." He said.

Finn shrugged and handed it to an eager Mike. Puck snorted.

"My man Artie and I are gonna destroy you guys."

"It's on." Sam responded in traditional competitive spirit.

Naturally, he and Mike lost spectacularly, getting killed in multiple creative ways. Having observed in horror the decimation of the game characters, Ray wasn't particularly looking forward to his turn. They had the winners stay on and Ray and Finn inherited Sam and Mike's controllers. Artie and Puck fist bumped and tried to psych out their opponents but Ray was having none of it. His game face was on and he was going to win this.

The characters appeared on the screen and he got to work. The first minute or so was him pointing his gun at the floor and spinning in circles. Fortunately, the others didn't manage to find him before he figured out the controls and got his act together.

He went on the prowl, exercising precision and patience. His fellow club members didn't see him coming. Sniper rifle, grenade, AK 47. He was ruthless. Ray Berry was a machine. Whenever he got competitive he would go all out and he was a fast learner.

"Bro, what the hell!" Puck exclaimed after he'd been killed once again.

Sam chuckled.

"I wanna be on Ray's team next."

The boys switched in and out but no one could beat the prodigy and soon the others got bored of being killed in inventive ways.

"How 'bout we jam in the garage, I got a drumkit, guitar and I think Kurt has a microphone somewhere?" Finn suggested as he saw Puck's face grow stormier and feared for the survival of his controller. He'd been on the receiving end of Puck's passes during football.

Artie and Sam, who were on the same page as Finn agreed but Ray cried out in protest, completely engrossed in the action.

"I'm just getting the hang of this! We can't stop now!"

The others looked at him incredulously.

"What have we done?" Whispered Artie.

With some struggling and arm locks, Finn and Sam managed to wrestle Ray and Puck from the screen and into the garage. Once away from the narcotic graphics Ray recaptured his senses and felt a little sheepish. Puck seemed to have gotten over the embarrassment and rushed for the guitar while Finn went to find the microphone.

"Couldn't find any other instruments apart from this one." Finn said holding up a bright red ukulele that looked miniature in his giant hands.

The ukulele ended up with Sam and with Finn on the drums and Puck on guitar, Ray and the others were singing.

"Uh I'm not much of a singer." Mike said.

Inwardly Ray fist pumped, more parts for him. Outwardly though he obviously showed his consolation.

"You could always do backing vocals?" He suggested.

Mike shrugged and muttered something about there not being enough space for his moves.

"What're we even gonna play?" Sam asked.

The ukulele was an interesting addition but they managed to struggle through most of an acoustic version of Teenagers by My Chemical Romance. By the last chorus they were all in the groove of things and it was starting to sound pretty awesome. Ray could feel the warm feeling of a sense of belonging stir inside him as he sang along with the other boys. If younger Ray could see him now he'd be so proud.

A week later they were playing it in Glee for the girls, Kurt and Mr Shue. Mr Shue was extremely excited by the co operation of such a large number of them without prompting.

"That was amazing! A little... explicit for competition, but your dedication is exactly what we'll need if we're gonna beat Vocal Adrenaline."

Kurt and the girls all looked stunned, so used to being the ones pulling the weight at Glee.

"Are we going to get a response from you guys?" Mr Shue asked the dumb audience. "Not hopped up on drugs this time I hope."

"Oh it's on." Santana said, the idea of competition rousing her from her surprise.

"Right! Next time we'll hear from the girls- oh and Kurt, sorry."

"Don't worry I get it all the time." Kurt replied nonchalantly.

Mr Shuester chuckled uncomfortably and motioned for the boys to sit down.

Ray hadn't been paying attention to any of the discourse happening. His attention was completely fixated on trying to figure out the gaze he had felt on him since the beginning of the song. He couldn't quite figure out the expression on Quinn's face and trying to not be too obvious in his examination was making it harder. Her eyes had an almost narcotised quality to them, as if her mind were completely somewhere else, which completely contrasted her fixed eyeline in his direction.  
Mr Shue clapped loudly which seemed to snap them both out of their reverie.

“Okay, its sorted then. The girls and Kurt will come up with a response for next lesson. That good with everyone?”

A chorus of murmured affirmations replied and the students began heading home, the spirit of competition buzzing in their veins.

 

Quinn’s day had been going pretty well. Finn had waited for her by her locker in the morning and carried her bag for her to their first class. Her eyes had met with Ray’s during Spanish and he had sent her a small smile, which she only cared about because it meant he wasn’t mad at her for leaving him alone in the bathroom.   
At lunch they’d served her favourite meal (well, favourite out of the selection they offered) and she’d sat through lunch without starting an argument with Santana. 

She even got an A+ on her American History essay.

Quinn’s day had been going exceptionally well. That was until she got a call from her mother.

“Your father’s called.” Quinn stopped dead in her tracks.

Swallowing the lump that had suddenly risen in her throat she croaked out a response.

“What does he want?”

“He didn’t really say. He wants to speak with you.”

Quinn could feel her heart pumping faster and a tug of sharp longing in her diaphragm. What could he want to say? That he was sorry he said those things and had an affair? That he wanted to make it up to her?

Part of her wanted to call him up right that second and hear his voice again, but the other, still sensitive part wanted to refuse him completely. All he would do is remind her of Beth and those hellish months and she couldn’t let those thoughts in or they’d consume her. She took a shaky breath.

“Why-why didn’t he just call me?” She managed.

There was a short pause on the other end.

“He wants to talk to you in person.”

Her stomach dropped. This was all too much. Practice had ended half an hour ago but she still looked around before letting her voice become vulnerable.

“When?” She asked wavering and soft.

“Tomorrow. Once you finish school.” Judy sounded sympathetic and nervous.

Quinn’s mind was racing at a hundred miles an hour and the corridor suddenly felt very hot.

“O-okay.”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Was her mother’s reply.

“No it’s-it’s fine. I’ll go.”

“Okay. I’ll let him know. Will you be back home soon, honey?”

“Yeah, I just have to sort out my things.”

It felt as though someone else had said those last words and her mother’s goodbye sounded muffled. Tears welled up in her eyes as she let out a harsh sob. Terrified of someone finding her crying in the hall she fled to the girl’s bathroom and collapsed onto the grimy floor.

Great hard sobs racked through her as the emotion she had suppressed for so long burst through her dams. Running nose and red eyes, she probably looked like a mess but for once she didn’t care. She just wanted to cry her eyes out with no one to see her.

 

"Quinn." A surprised voice burst through her sobbing.

Almost proud at the speed she was able to compose herself, she stood and cleared her throat, not yet looking the intruder in the eye. She knew who it was though. Of course it had to be.

"What?" She bit back, slightly harsher than she meant.

Ray shifted uncomfortably in the doorway. His feet were begging to take him far away and not care what was wrong. But he couldn't.

"I heard you from the hall. Are you-"

"You shouldn't be in here. I thought you said you were a boy now." Quinn interrupted him, reacting to his concern by pulling her walls right up.

The flicker of discomfort her retort brought gave her the mixed sensation of triumph and guilt that she was so used to feeling. She had always told herself she could ignore how she made others feel as long as it gave her some semblance of power. And yet she couldn't. Everything in her yearned to take back all the harsh words and slushies she had ever thrown at people. With that thought fresh tears welled in her eyes.

"Do you want me to leave?" Ray asked.

Quinn scoffed, of course she did. Why didn't he just take the hint? But when it came to saying the words she found she couldn't. She settled for turning away and avoiding his searching look for fear of him finding anything that said the opposite.

Ray could feel the waves of vulnerability and loneliness coming off her. Everything about her body language reminded him of the multiple times he had felt lost, craving for someone to listen, to understand. On the other hand, there was no way Quinn was going to let him in. She had always been incredibly stubborn, even as Lucy. She had her mind set on the fact that she didn't need anyone and in this state there would be no convincing her.

His heart broke as he saw her shoulders tremble and took a small piece of paper from his pocket and placed it against the wall. He quickly scrawled his phone number down with a ballpoint pen and held it out to her.

"Take this. You... change your mind, anything, I can be there to just listen. I probably can't help whatever situation you're in but at least you can get it off your chest. Please don't bottle it up, i know first hand how bad that can be."

After a moment of him holding it out awkwardly, she turned and looked at him sceptically. He gave her a small smile of reassurance and begrudgingly she took it, slipping it into the pocket of her red hoodie. Ray stood for a moment longer before turning on his heel, pushing open the door and disappearing from view.

Quinn bit her lip and fingered the slip of paper. She couldn't understand why he was being so nice to her. It's not like she would have, or did, return the favour. She wasn't worth his worry; all she did was drive people away. Again tears burst forward but this time they weren't completely tears of sadness. They were laced with gratitude and something else. For once she felt wanted.


	5. Chapter 5

Ray's gut was twisting itself in knots and his hands were all clammy. Why did he do that? She didn't need him, she had a boyfriend and friends. He was just some nuisance from her past that she probably only spoke to because he knew her secret. 

She probably thought he was hitting on her or something.

No that's stupid, he thought, she doesn't think that.

But she might, replied his brain.

Good point, he thought.

He just gave his number to the most popular girl in school, the head cheerleader, girlfriend of the quarterback. What was he thinking?

The walk home was quicker than usual as anxiety poured through his limbs and stomach, putting a jerky spring in his step. Before Ray knew it he was slotting his keys into his door, fumbling like a drunkard. 

His dad called to him from the kitchen when he had finally managed to get through the door.

"How was school?" 

"Nothing special. There was a pop quiz in American Lit and I got all the answers right. Apart from that, same old." He replied, lacking the energy to go into as much depth as usual.

His dad picked up on it and stuck his head around the door with a concerned expression.

"Everything okay, honey?"

"Yeah yeah I'm just tired." 

He stuck out his bottom lip as a show of sympathy and followed his head with the rest of his body.

"Dinner's just about ready now. Why don't you eat and head straight to bed. Do you have any homework?" 

"No I don't. I might do that if that's okay, thank you." Ray gave him a tired smile and followed him into the kitchen to help set the table. 

All through the meal he couldn't keep conversation flowing. His mind was somewhere else entirely. Nobody had had as great an effect on him as Quinn. He had always been anxious but he had never cared so much about what a person thought. He could deal much better with the bullies in middle school than Quinn could because he didn't care what they thought. Sometimes the sheer number of insults would take a toll but when it came down to it, he knew who he was. Well, he thought he did.

But suddenly with Quinn he was reevaluating all of his personality traits, second guessing all of his actions. He hated it, but at the same time he couldn't get enough of it. It was both thrilling and terrifying all at once.

Having finished dinner, he rushed upstairs, desperate to collapse into sleep and finally escape all the thoughts echoing in his head. He didn't neglect his evening routine though, and after washing his face, brushing his teeth and flossing, he leapt into his pyjamas and fell into bed.

Sleep began to envelope his exhausted mind and within minutes he was sound asleep.

A violent rumble next to his ear jerked Ray awake and he gazed about him, disorientated. His room was dark apart from the glaring light coming from his dresser. He grabbed it and swiped to answer the incoming call. 

"Hello? Ray Berry speaking." He tried to sound perky and awake but exhaustion leaked into his voice.

On the other side the caller drew in their breath sharply then silence followed. Ray listened intently for any clues as to who they might be. After almost a minute of silence he began to get suspicious.

"I'll warn you, I don't appreciate being prank called and my father is a police officer so I can trace this call if you-"

"Calm down, Berry. It's Quinn. I didn't mean to disturb you I'm sorry." Quinn cut in suddenly, catching Ray off guard.

Ray felt his stomach squirm as he heard her voice. He opened and closed his mouth a few times before replying.

"No no, don't worry, it's fine." He blurted. "I'm sorry I can be a bit of a drama queen sometimes."

"Did I wake you?" Came the surprisingly timid reply.

Again Ray paused before answering, not used to the soft voice that was coming from his mobile. It reminded him of his old best friend.

"No I just- I was just-"

"You don't need to lie, Berry. It's fine, I'll let you sleep."

Sleep tugged at his eyes to shut but he resisted. He had promised to be there and he was not going back on that. His rational mind reminded him that he had a test the next day but it suddenly didn't seem important at all. All that mattered was that Quinn was okay. 

"I'm not tired, I've been lying in bed for hours but sleep won't come. Distract me." 

Quinn sighed on the other end again, as if she wished he had just taken her way out.

"Why are you being so nice to me? I haven't exactly given you a reason to be."

He thought about it, why did he care so much? Neither of them were the same people they were as friends. Quinn had insulted his gender identity, she doled out punishment to tons of innocent students. He had no reason. None at all.

"You're right, you haven't. But I for one believe in second chances. And you may have been rather... rude, but I don't think you really meant - mean - any of the hurtful things you've said."

He knew he must have crossed a line. Had he really been that blunt to Quinn Fabray? Ray expected her to pull out one of her creative insults he'd heard her use on various nerds and hang up. Instead, he heard a light chuckle and his stomach flipped again.

"You're a good person, you know that? Much better than I am." She finished quietly, with so much vulnerability that Ray wanted to reach through the phone and pull her into a hug.

He struggled to look for something to say to fill the awkward silence that followed but nothing seemed appropriate.  
"When people are scared they can lash out. It doesn't make them a bad person."

Shit. He'd just made a huge assumption. He strained for her response, his guts tying themselves in knots.

"Does that mean we aren't accountable for our actions?"

"Well, no but-"

"Right."

"No I mean, there are bad actions but I don't think there are bad people. Unless they show no remorse for their bad actions. Which you definitely do, even if you try to hide it."

Quinn could feel all of the regret she'd been repressing crash down on her immediately and choked out another sob, much to her dismay. This wasn't the conversation she had imagined when she had dialled his number. He was meant to tell her he couldn't forgive her and nor would anyone she'd ever wronged. She wasn't meant to have the chance of redemption, that meant she actually had to face the past, her feelings.

When he had agreed that she hadn't done anything to deserve his kindness she'd felt a satisfying surge of defensiveness and got ready to channel her emotion through harsh words. His following words had stuck the words in her throat. Instead, a surprised chuckle burst through. He'd managed to criticise her without making her feel she needed to retaliate.

Lost for words without her customary insults, Quinn did something she hadn't done in a long time: she let her walls slip down. The ensuing conversation had been philosophical and deep but refreshingly down to earth, as well as terrifyingly personal.

"Are you alright?" Ray's question was timid and laced with concern.

Quinn felt herself laughing tearfully.

"Sorry, stupid question."

"No it's just... I don't think anyone's asked me that in a long time. I'm not really sure to be honest."

"Anything specific that's bothering you?" Ray tried.

"Not really. I mean, it's nothing. It's silly." She said quietly.

"If it makes you upset it's never silly or nothing." 

A long pause followed and Ray was worried he had scared her away. But then she spoke, voice quivering with tears.

"My dad wants to- to meet up."

Ray could remember the head of the Fabray household, a conservative and overbearing man who always disapproved of their friendship due to her fathers. Why he wasn't with Quinn and her mother anymore he had no idea. He'd heard that she'd been kicked out and eventually taken back by her mother but nothing more and he didn't want to pry.

"Do you not want to see him?" He replied, careful not to sound like he was insinuating she should want to. God phone calls are hard, he thought.

"I don't know. He- he kicked me out." The brokenness of Quinn's voice brought tears to his own eyes. "That's all I can think about. His face when he called me a disappointment, when he told me to just go. That was the last time I saw him."

Ray's sadness turned into anger at this man and all the hurt he had caused.

"Why does he want to meet up with you." 

"I don't know, he didn't say. I guess he just wants to talk. Maybe- maybe he wants to apologise."

Ray could hear the hopeful tone in her voice and felt his heart break once again. Part of him wanted to tell her he didn't deserve her forgiveness, but he also acknowledged that that went against everything he'd said before. Having been exposed to the girl behind the icy facade, Ray realised how fragile she still was and wanted to do everything in his power to help her.

"If you're not ready to forgive it doesn't make you a bad person." 

Silence. He'd done it this time. Gone too far. He didn't know how, but he must have. More silence.

"Quinn?"

"It's getting late. I should get some sleep." Came the curt but soft reply.

"Oh right okay sure. See you tomorrow."

"Sure. Night."

"Goodnight."

"And Berry?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

A broad smile broke out on his face.

"Anytime."

 

Quinn's facade held up at school the next day and for that she knew she had to thank one Ray Berry. All the pressure that had built up in her chest and head subsided after their chat. It took a lot out of her and she'd woken up with bags under her eyes but it wasn't anything a good deal of concealer couldn't handle.

Walking down the corridors with her cheerio henchmen (Santana would not appreciate that label but Quinn knew it was completely accurate), she couldn't even feel the lump in her throat or gnawing fear in her stomach. She was invincible.

She saw him turn the corner and look up from his rather effeminate bedazzled planner. His frown softened into a friendly smile, which Quinn faintly mirrored, not allowing people to see her fraternising with one of the lower popularity classes. He ducked his head shyly at her recognition and beamed to himself as if she'd just made his day.

Once sitting in their respective seats in Calculus, Santana immediately set her sights on the blonde.

"Yo, Q. Was I dreaming or did troll boy just smile at us?"

Quinn tried to act as if she didn't know what she was talking about but Santana wasn't having any of it.

"Q I saw you guys sharing your special moment eyefucking in the hall. Don't deny it."

Now she had gotten her attention.

"We were not... eyefucking." Quinn hissed. "He helped me out with something. It was a kind of thank you."

"Okay first I was just kidding but now I'm interested. What exactly did he 'help you out with'?"

"Was he helping you get out of your moods? I usually help Santana with that when she comes to my house." Brittany added helpfully.

Quinn looked at them both in disgust as Santana nudged Brittany and looked furtively around.

"I don't need to know about what you two get up to when alone but if your insinuating what I think you are then no. I'm in a relationship."

Santana raised her eyebrows.

"Didn't stop you before." She muttered under her breath.

Quinn's pencil snapped in half. 

"At least I'm not the one stuck so far in the closet I'm surrounded by nineties fashion." Quinn retorted, words dripping with venom.

She knew it was a terrible burn and seriously low blow but the red fury that crept into Santana's face was so satisfying. She fumed for a moment before gathering her senses. Brittany just looked very confused, as if she were trying to decider Quinn's response.

"Whatever, Tubbs. We all know you're a raging bisexual."

"What?" Quinn choked out.

Another smirk crept into Santana's expression and she quirked her eyebrow.

"It's obvious you swing both ways, Fabray. You remember we share a locker room and I've seen your eyes wander. You even stuttered when Ashley asked you for deodorant."

Quinn felt like the air had been punched from her lungs. She didn't- she wasn't-

"I-I'm not-"

Interrupted by the arrival of their teacher, she resolved to huffing, facing forward and ignoring Santana chuckling behind her.  
She tried to focus her eyes on the words he was writing on the board but they wouldn't cooperate. Damn Santana and the way she could always get under her skin. It wasn't true, obviously, but nevertheless it bothered her. She was going to meet up with her father that evening, she didn't need any distractions.

She'd decided it was best to go through with it. If she didn't she'd always wonder what might have happened, and if it didn't go well at least she knew she had someone who would look out for her. It had felt so natural to share so much with Ray despite the fact that they hadn't been friends for years.

It was like when you find your old favourite shoes and don't expect them to fit or be comfortable to wear but when you try them on they just feel right and you remember why you liked them so much in the first place. Now other shoes don't seem to scale up to the old ones. 

She knew then she was going to try and recover the friendship they'd had. Covertly of course; she still had her reputation to think about.

 

The butterflies were restrained until lunchtime when they hit her at full force. Unable to stomach any of the gruel from the cafeteria, she headed to the one place that calmed her down, the auditorium. As she neared however, she could hear a faint melody sounding through the doors.

Curiosity pushed her to lightly slip through them and watch the solo figure at the piano. The figure was facing away from her and too far away to properly distinguish but the voice was a dead giveaway.

Quinn could feel the strange concoction of emotions that always filled her when Ray sang and slipped silently into a chair at the back so as not to disturb him and stop the clear powerful lyrics. She recognised the song as On My Own and marvelled at how well he sang it in the original key. Each lyric was fuelled with emotion as if he'd assumed Eponine's point of view effortlessly.

_The trees are bare and everywhere  
The streets are full of strangers _

A ripple of shivers flew over her skin and she didn't even try and stop the tears that dropped out. She knew now why she'd been so emotional recently. Ray was reminding her of the past, of how things used to be. 

Back then her circumstances weren't much better but they were just so simple. Quinn and Rachel were the victims and their bullies were the ones she could direct her anger at. Now all she felt was this intense self hatred and it was just so lonely.  
As if he'd known she were there the whole time, Ray looked up and offered her a reassuring smile. Quinn quickly wiped her tears and nose and stood. 

"You have a beautiful voice." 

He blushed and ducked his head. Quinn couldn't help but see her old friend in that gleaming smile, and it annoyed the hell out of her. Spending time with Ray brought her back to the old days but she couldn't help but be drawn to him. The nauseating combination of nostalgia and bitterness was almost addictive. 

"I have been training since I was a baby, I would hope it was at least decent." Ray's reply brought her out of her reverie only to send more nostalgia into her gut. His bashfulness thinly veiled his pride verging on arrogance about his voice, a characteristic she very much recognised from her old friend. 

"Did you come here for any particular reason? I can leave if you wanted to practise." He carried on and Quinn realised she'd been silent for a while. 

"No no it's fine I'll go I just needed a... I needed a break from out there." 

Ray nodded in reply, understanding written all over his face. 

"Did you... Have you decided what you're going to do about... y'know?" He ventured. 

She felt the dread she'd been ignoring all day settle in her stomach and fought the urge to be sick. Was she really doing the right thing by seeing him? She wasn't sure. And the concerned look Ray was giving her didn't do anything to reassure her. 

"Yeah. We're meeting at the Lima Bean at four." 

His smile was forced and fleeting. 

"It's just a chat, and if I feel like he doesn't have anything good to say I can always leave." She felt the need to justify her choice and immediately berated herself. 

Who cared if Ray didn't approve? It wasn't his decision to make. Besides he knew nothing about the circumstances. He didn't really know her anymore and he certainly didn't know her dad. Quinn could feel her irritation catching onto her vulnerability but could do nothing to stop it. All her former thoughts of budding friendship were clouded over by irrational anger. 

"Is there anything I can-" 

"I'm fine, it's just a chat it's not like I'm climbing Mount Everest." She snapped, cutting him off. 

His wounded puppy expression grated on her nerves even more as her mind redirected all her self hatred onto him. 

"I just thought-" 

"Yeah well thanks but no thanks. I can deal with it." 

Ray looked like he'd just been slapped, whiplash from her change of demeanour stunning him. 

"I need to go. And speak to Santana. About the Glee assignment." She managed before storming out like a class A diva.  
Well that making friends plan worked out well, Quinn's conscience said, for some reason in Santana's voice. She ignored it, resolved on having a dramatic strop; it made her feel better. 

Ray just sat at the piano, staring bewildered at the swinging doors. 

Quinn stalked straight towards Santana and Brittany's normal hang out spot, hoping they'd be there rather than in the storage closet. The chilly wind whipped at her ponytail and skirt flaps as she stepped outside, cooling the flush that had risen due to her storm out. 

Despite the biting weather the area was full of students milling about and making arbitrary small talk. She scanned the crowd for the usually giggling red and white figures. Surprisingly only one of her targets was visible and looked ready to kill. Well, since it was Santana that part wasn't too strange. 

Before she could pretend she hadn't noticed her, Santana had locked eyes with Quinn and gave her a steely glare telling her to keep her company. Quinn huffed but made her way over, not ready to get into another locker-slamming cat fight with her friend. 

Upon closer inspection Quinn could see the anger was being taken out on her Calculus textbook. Graphs and equations littered the floor around her, which Quinn stepped gingerly around to join her on the cold cement steps. 

"Hey, Tubbers, where you been the whole of lunch?" Santana made her voice sound conversational but her white knuckles shone on her lap. 

"Choir room. Trying to get inspiration for our song. You know, the one to compete with the boys?" 

Santana's blank look morphed into recognition but she shortly scoffed and shook her head. 

"Why bother? Mariah Carey and Neil Patrick Harris are just gonna make us do what they want." 

Quinn's immaculate eyebrow raised sharply. 

"You're happy to just let them stick us in the back to sway and look pretty?" 

Santana shrugged and went back to scowling at the illustrations on her book. 

"No, we're the Unholy Trinity, we don't settle for less than we deserve. I have a song idea and we're doing it. And you're helping me make it happen." Quinn stated firmly. 

Santana just shrugged again. 

"Okay seriously what's up? Do I need to get Brittany?" 

Her eyebrows shot up at that and she shifted uncomfortably, shooting a formidable death look at something behind Quinn. Quinn swivelled around confused and her eyes met the sight of the girl in question giggling lightly with a certain nerd in a wheelchair. 

"Oh." 

Santana scoffed again but this time it sounded rather choked up. 

"She would rather spend her time with four-eyes so good luck with her. I think she's a lost cause." 

Quinn had to strongly suppress her eye roll. The amount of drama those two went through because of miscommunication was exhausting. They were both the best versions of themselves around each other and it was obvious to literally everyone. 

Whether people read it as more than friendship was dependent on the person, and to be honest it did take her catching them in the girls bathroom to notice, but she couldn't believe how obviously crazy about each other they were without doing anything about it. 

"What did you do?" She asked tiredly. 

Santana whipped around with an fiery glare, metaphorical steam pouring from her ears. Quinn knew she probably should have been more measured about her questioning but she really couldn't be bothered with her own drama clogging up her thoughts. It was all so melodramatic and unnecessary.

"Why do you assume I did something? She's just being a bitch." 

"Right because Brittany is just that kind of person." 

"You'd be surprised." 

Quinn could feel the stress of everything tying knots in her shoulders and she knew that it would kill during Cheerios practice. Plus, a dull ache was forming above her right eye. 

"Just... make it right, S. I don't know how you guys got to this point but fix it." 

Quinn felt her body bracing for a full Santana blow out but it never came. She looked at her and saw slumped shoulders and an alien vulnerability.

"I don't know how." Came the reply and Quinn felt ready to bolt, everything was just getting too much. 

"Well this has been fun but I need to do some Chemistry homework so... good luck." 

She got up and left without a backwards glance. She had just entered unknown territory with Santana and that meant things were either bad or changing, and Quinn did not react well to change. 

The Lima Bean stood vaguely shabbily in front of her and her palms were sweating despite the chill. She'd been standing there for almost five minutes watching him from an invisible vantage point. 

He just looked the same, as if those months had never happened. His hair was perfectly coiffed into a sandy slick of hair and his eyes still sagged slightly at the edges, which made you feel as though he was always slightly disappointed. He wore a sharp suit with a stupid yellow pocket square and looked so put together it made her feel sick. 

He was meant to be falling apart, looking like how Quinn felt inside. If he was a wreck she would be able to see something different in him; not the cold stoic man of the house. She could hope they'd have a different relationship. 

But then again she felt stupid for feeling that. That would mean she meant so much to him that her absence would change him.  
Swallowing her qualms into a tight knot in her throat, she pushed through the thoughts and forced her feet to walk to the door. The light jingle was sharp and piercing in her ears as she pushed open the door. 

Her father looked up, the deep wrinkles of concentration fading into relief. He managed and awkward smile and stood up, bumping his knee on the table and spilling his coffee slightly. Quinn felt her polite smile she'd practised for family gatherings form on her lips. 

"Please, sit down. Do you want anything?" 

She shook her head and sat down, smoothing down the pleats of her uniform. 

"Thank you." She added, remembering her manners. 

He joined her and studied her features. She knew he would notice the extra make-up and looser ponytail and felt uncomfortable under his icy stare. 

"You're still in the Cheerios I see." He stated matter-of-factly. 

She nodded curtly, remembering the months without the protection of the red and white uniform. 

"Good... Good." 

They both shifted in their seats, intensely uncomfortable with the gathering silence but unable to break it. 

"It's good to see you, Quinnie." 

She winced. Her mom had tried to use it after she took her back but Quinn had set her straight right away. She wasn't the child she used to be before. They had played their parts in advancing her maturity and they didn't have the right to try and reclaim her innocence. 

But she wasn't going to correct him now, that would bring up tensions she wasn't prepared to face. 

"Was there anything in particular you wanted to speak to me about?" She tried to phrase it as politely as possible but still flinched at the bluntness of her words. 

He suddenly looked as if he'd tasted something quite bitter and avoided her gaze. He cleared his throat and spoke. 

"Well, honey, you know that I've been seeing Jeanine from your mother I suppose." 

He began and Quinn could taste the bitter taste in her mouth too now. 

"She... is very keen on family and encouraged me to reach out to you." 

Quinn's mind was a whirlpool of emotions but she kept her face impassive, not willing to give him anything. 

"Quinnie, I know things have been strained between us and we've had our... differences, but I want to move past that now. I think you and Jeanine would really get on." 

Quinn was reeling. All the words coming out of her father's mouth seemed alien and wrong, as if he were a completely different person. The man she knew would never extend the first olive branch. He was never the one in the wrong and thus had no obligation to fix things. At least, that's what he believed and as the head of the household his word was law. 

Quinn could feel her old dutiful daughter personality rise up and try desperately to please him, ready to agree to whatever he asked. She hadn't felt that urge in such a long time and it scared her how much power he still had over her. In the past few months it had been righteous anger and maybe slight nostalgia she'd felt about him, she'd been told enough times by her mother (and now Ray) that he didn't deserve her remorse. But that didn't stop her feeling it. 

"You want to... spend time together?" She hated the hopeful edge to her voice. 

She thought she saw a flash of something pass over his face but it was gone as quick as it came and she couldn't be sure if she was just projecting her anxieties onto him. 

"Yes." He said firmly. "Would you like to come to dinner with us next week?" 

He had used his business voice when asking and Quinn could sense he was much more comfortable talking about the formalities than the vulnerabilities they had. She swallowed her disappointment and plastered that formal smile back on. 

"I would love to. When is a good day for you?" 


	6. Chapter 6

Ray spent the rest of the school day wondering how he'd managed to screw up whatever kind of friendship he'd had going with the blonde cheerleader. In fact, in traditional Ray Berry fashion, as soon as he got home he made a list of all the things he could do to fix it.

_Ways to repair the Berry-Fabray friendship_

_1\. Bake a batch of I'm Sorry cookies and deliver to her locker_   
_2\. Sing a song about sorrow in Glee (research later)_   
_3\. Offer to do her homework for a month_

Ray was lost by the fourth bullet point and all of his ideas seemed to have more cons than pros. All would ultimately end in his humiliation. He didn't even know if what they had counted as a friendship. They'd had a total of about four conversations and throughout them all she'd been giving extremely mixed signals. Maybe he should just give up. She wasn't about to go all Breakfast Club and break rank to become friends with the basket case.

Flopping back onto his bed he huffed a sigh of frustration. Things were so much simpler as a ghost. Letting his eyes droop shut, he felt memories resurfacing.

It was the first day of Middle School and he was sat in an empty classroom twiddling his long hair with nerves. He'd gone to school far too early out of enthusiasm but started to question his decision as barren classrooms surrounded him.

About fifteen minutes after his arrival, the door clicked open and a cautious bespectacled head poked through, making him jump. The newcomer grinned nervously, flashing her braces, and her body followed her head into the classroom.

The girl was certainly not conventionally pretty, and Ray could feel a sense of camaraderie that arose from their overly large noses, but her hazel eyes were piercing and sparkling with intense vitality. There was something captivating in that strength.

"Hi, I'm Lucy. Are you in Mrs Thompson's class?" She had a slight lisp as a result of the braces and Ray found it quite endearing.

Realising he'd been staring at her for too long to be considered normal, he shot up and extended his hand.

"Rachel Berry, aspiring Broadway actress and Jew." Lucy's expression twisted into one of confusion and he corrected himself. "Not aspiring Jew, I am Jewish as well as an aspiring Broadway actress."

Lucy giggled slightly and shook his hand. Ray noted how her smile lit up her eyes beautifully and beamed a shining smile of his own.

They had been so hopeful and full of naive enthusiasm back then. Six months later they would know what it meant to be themselves thanks to the lessons of their peers.

It was a Friday afternoon and school had ended half an hour ago. Ray was helping Lucy scrape the hundreds of pieces of chewing gum Max Bradford and his cronies had stuck to her locker. Due to lack of proper equipment, they had to use plastic rulers.

Lucy's second ruler snapped and Ray saw tears of frustration prick her eyelids as she threw the pieces to the floor. He stopped scraping and turned to her to try and offer some consolation but none came.

"I hate this." Her voice was small and broken and Ray felt hot tears of his own rise up. "I just want a break."

Ray nodded.

"I know." He offered lamely.

She turned to him and he saw a fierceness in her usually soft eyes.

"What makes them better than us? I mean literally, what makes them popular and us nerds or losers. Adam Bennett isn't even attractive and his fashion sense is worse than mine but still he's untouchable."

Ray just shrugged, unable to give her an explanation.

"All I know is they are never going anywhere." Ray grabbed her shoulders and turned her to him fully. "We are the ones who are going to be looking down at them one day while living in New York with our hot boyfriends."

He grinned at her but her glum expression didn't crack when reminded of their usual fantasy.

"I-I know it's just... it's so far away. I don't know how much more of this I can take."

She suddenly looked like she'd had an idea. Wide hazel met narrow brown.

"What if we had a makeover? Like a proper one. I'm getting my braces off next month and I could get contacts and-"

"Lucy!" Ray had to stop the tirade before the idea fully took hold. "There is nothing wrong with us as we are. We shouldn't have to change just to please some morons with no class."

"Yeah but-"

"Do you really think they'd look at us differently? We'll always be Manhands and Lucy Caboosey to them, even if we're wearing new ridiculously overpriced shoes."

Lucy looked down at her feet, dejected. Ray felt guilty for crushing her dream but it would be better in the long run. It wasn't just what they looked like which made them outcasts, they just didn't have that sort of personality. They could change all they wanted on the outside but to get on top of the pecking order you needed a ruthless harshness that just wasn't natural to either of them.

Back in his bedroom, Ray scoffed at his own naivety. Lucy had had it in her alright, he'd seen evidence of it: endless issued slushies and inventive nicknames under the pretence of Quinn Fabray. He'd seen it take her to the top, but he saw no evidence that it had made her any happier.

At a loss about what to do, he finished off the last of his homework and completed his evening routine. Sleeping was not going to be easy.

 

 

Heavy bags under his eyes and the comfort of an oversized hoodie was the result of Ray's tumultuous nighttime thoughts. He cradled a bowl of cornflakes as he made his way down the corridor. Not having had time for breakfast at home did not excuse a lapse in nutrition.

He'd had a minor anxiety attack in the morning when his voice croaked out hoarse and scratchy. He'd managed to calm his breathing and gulp down some cough syrup before rushing out of the door. Luckily, it seemed to have returned to normal. He'd have to do some exercises at recess to make absolutely sure.

Feeling as grimy as he did, Ray cursed his luck as he saw the immaculate-as-ever Quinn Fabray in a heated conversation with Kurt, who by the way looked almost as immaculate as her. Ray tried sneaking to his locker unnoticed, opening it softly and slipping the bowl inside. He wiped his mouth of residual milk and reached in to fetch his books.

He then made the mistake to look. It was only supposed to be a quick check to see if they'd noticed but he couldn't stop himself from examining her features. Her gaze was steely and confident but she seemed to be struggling to hold it up. To the untrained eye she was the same unfazed Head Cheerleader but Ray was not a novice.

Wow that doesn't sound creepy at all, he berated himself.

As if sensing his eyes on her, Quinn's eyes slid from Kurt's face to Ray's and a flicker of emotion broke through before she became impassive again. Ray quickly looked away, his face burning with embarrassment, and finished unpacking his locker.

Sam's arrival at his locker was a welcome distraction and he flashed a relieved smile as he called his name. Sam had taken to hanging by Ray's locker so they could hang out more since the game night and although the attention stressed the hell out of him, Ray found the idea of having a close (maybe even best) friend thrilling.

"Hey! You ready?"

Ray nodded and they made their way to Biology. It really was a miracle that someone like Sam would give Ray so much as a hello in the corridor; he was literally a Ken doll with a heart of gold. He was on the football team for goodness' sake. Ray knew it was only a matter of time before he ditched him for the popular clique but he didn't mind; for now he needed Ray as much as Ray needed him.

Ray realised he'd been staring a bit too much and quickly averted his eyes before he got creeped out. He was so used to observing people, analysing their body language and facial expressions, while being invisible that he couldn't break the habit while conspicuous as well. Unfortunately, the person he was used to analysing the most was Quinn. That had led to some awkward eye contact.

Ray was saved from his awkward thoughts by the arrival of Miss Waters and he thankfully responded to her stern sweeping gaze by flipping open his books, purple ink pen in hand.

The lesson ran pretty smoothly and by the end Ray was bursting with knowledge about trophic levels that he would naturally pass on to his fathers after school. Miss Waters then had to announce that homework was going to be presentations on certain animals and their adaptations. He had long since learnt how to give an entirely forgettable presentation but it was no less anxiety inducing to stand up in front of judgemental teens.

A small cheer was given when she announced they were able to choose their own pairs and Ray felt his stomach sink even further before he felt a nudge on his shoulder. He turned to see a hopeful Sam and felt renewed platonic affection bloom in his chest. He gave his enthusiastic agreement and they discussed times to meet, deciding on that night to try and get it all done.

"Great, mine after school then?" Ray confirmed.

"Yeah I can give you a ride." Sam beamed back.

And that was it, Ray had his first friend round since starting his transition. He tried not to plan out the whole evening in his head. Well, not very hard. He would text his dads to get light snacks ready and hide all of his baby pictures before writing up a structure for socialising and work slots. Everything would be perfect.

 

 

They were in Sam's car and Ray was at a loss at what to say. Ray's house was only a 10 minute drive from school but it felt like hours. Sam only hummed and tapped a beat on the wheel with his thumbs, oblivious to the awkwardness that was suffocating Ray.

"Left here." Ray's directions punctured the silence every so often.

As they were nearing his street Sam broke the silence properly.

"You got any ideas about the project?"

"Oh yeah I made a list of the animals with the most interesting adaptations and took out the ones that were likely to be chosen by others and now have a shortlist of four." Ray gushed.

Sam whistled appreciatively and shot him a confused smile.

"When did you have time to do all of that?"

"I don't really have much of a social life, as you might have guessed. It frees up a lot of time."

Sam looked like he wanted to say something but Ray interrupted him by announcing that they had arrived.

Ray's fathers had not let him down. The place was immaculate, but not weirdly so, and the various pictures of him in pink frilly dresses had been removed from the walls. A few snacks were scattered over the island in the kitchen, not messily but invitingly.

Sam whistled appreciatively at the setup, gazing at the vaguely stylish interior design that Hiram Berry had rearranged repeatedly. Sometimes Ray thought that his fathers defied stereotypes with their passion for watching sport and DIY, but then he would come home to them in matching frilly aprons redecorating the sitting room.

"Do you want anything to drink or eat? We have an array of juices and snack foods." Ray offered, determined to be the best host possible.

"Ah no I'm good."

"Sure?"

"Yeah."

"Right well, I suppose we'd better get started then. My room's upstairs."

They ascended the stairs and Sam made various comments about how nice Ray's house was.

"Is this carpet everywhere? It's so soft."

Turning the corner into his room, Ray remembered how in the early days of transition he'd had a panic that he was too feminine and had taken multiple brushes and tubs of paint to his garishly pink walls. Though he now recognised that liking pink didn't negate his identity, he thanked his former self for choosing a tamer light grey. The contents were still more cluttered than he would have liked but beggars couldn't be choosers.

He shoved some books off his armchair and offered it to Sam while reclining into his desk chair. A semi-awkward silence followed as the boys tried to find conversation.

"What did you wanna-"

"So how'd you-"

They started at the same time, both stopping abruptly to let the other speak.

"Sorry you go." Ray said.

"No no I was just making small talk. What were you gonna say?"

"Oh I was just going to ask about what you wanted to do first."

He chuckled.

"We should probably figure out which one of the four we're gonna do."

They spent the best part of an hour first arguing between Komodo Dragons and Pistol Shrimp and then silent research before collating their findings into a PowerPoint. Ray was surprised how dedicated to study Sam was, he'd assumed he'd be another jock with his brains in his biceps. Okay well that was a bit harsh he didn't really think that but he certainly hadn't expected the intellectual debate that they'd had.

After deciding which parts they would present, Sam sat back and said a word Ray didn't recognise.

In response to his blank expression, he grinned self consciously.

"Na'vi?" He tried.

Ray was still blank.

"Avatar? You know the blue people, hair sex?"

Ray was beginning to feel alarmed.

"Seriously dude? You've never heard of Avatar? Have you been living under a rock? We need to fix this. Next time we meet up we're watching it."

Ray wasn't going to complain. Not only would he learn more about what cool people apparently watched, but Sam was initiating a second hang out session. He wanted to spend time with the awkward mess of anxiety and narcissism that was Ray Berry.

Sam carried on rambling about how Avatar was a masterpiece and explaining the complexities of Na'vi grammar for another fifteen minutes or so before there was a lull in conversation. He suddenly looked awkward himself, as if he were about to ask a very important question.

"Do you know Quinn Fabray?"

Ray felt his stomach drop as if from a height and swallowed thickly.

"Uh well yes, I mean no well... what do you mean?" He stuttered, feeling his face heating up.

"Just like, you've heard of her right?" Thankfully, Sam hadn't seemed to notice.

"Well yes. Who hasn't?" He genuinely couldn't think of a single person in Lima who hadn't heard of the young Fabray.

Sam squirmed again and Ray noticed redness creeping up his neck.

"I kinda have a crush on her."

Silence. Ray was vaguely aware he was supposed to reply or show some sort of recognition but he was too stunned to take anything in.

1\. This was a guy hangout session - feelings talk was not something he expected to be on the menu.

2\. Wait why was he so surprised by this...

She was a very talented and attractive girl. Sam had every reason to feel that way. So why did it feel like someone had just punched him in the gut?

He flashed one of his megawatt smiles before drawing his eyebrow into a frown again.

"Isn't she dating Finn Hudson?"

Sam sighed deeply and flopped back onto the soft carpet, picking at strands of thread.

"Yeah, I know. He doesn't deserve her. He's an idiot."

From what Ray had seen he was actually a pretty sweet and considerate guy, if a bit slow at times. But he realised now might not be the time to bring that up. Instead of arguing, he nodded sympathetically and joined him on the floor, leaning against the bed frame.

"Why her?" He asked. "I mean, what is it about her that you feel so strongly about?"

Ray couldn't remember seeing them ever interact so he guessed it must be purely physical attraction.

"I don't know really. She can be really mean, I know that, but there is something about her that... I don't know. It makes me want to get to know her. I feel like she has so much more to her than everyone sees."

Well he wasn't wrong. There was a whole life behind that bleached hair and nose job that neither Quinn nor Ray particularly wanted to return to. Ray wasn't sure how readily she'd submit that to some guy however. Ray though about the Quinn he knew now, one moment tender and vulnerable and the next harsh and enigmatic.

"Yeah, she's a mystery."

"She always watches us during football practice while the cheerios run laps. It's usually because of Finn but I'm pretty sure she also does it when he misses practice." His face sank slightly when he realised how unfounded his claims were. "Maybe I'm just being arrogant. Sorry, I just have a lot of feelings and I feel like you're the only one who wouldn't tell Finn."

A lot of feelings were whirlpooling in Ray as well but eventually one surfaced on top. He felt sorry for his newfound friend.  
"No sure better out than in, I always say. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're a... you're a hot guy, Sam. Popular talk among the girls. Quinn may well have feelings for you."

Sam stared shocked at his bluntness and Ray cringed at his choice of words.

"You really think so?"

His hopeful tone broke through any residual... feelings he had about Sam's crush. Who was Ray to say he had no chance. He wasn't lying, he'd overheard many cheerleaders and band kids chatting about 'the hot new guy'. He'd even heard Mercedes talking about him, although her view of guys must be somewhat warped as her previous crushes included Kurt and Puck. Quinn had eyes and a thing for football players, why not?

"I do." Ray replied earnestly.

A goofy smile spread across Sam's face.Something was still bugging Ray though.

"One question: have you two ever had a conversation?"

"Yeah I mean we mostly speak during American Lit because she sits next to me and always has awesome notes." Well that was something Quinn had retained, her amazing brain. "But we also had this one conversation when Finn had bailed on her and I drove her home."

"You drove her home?" Ray spluttered in surprise and something that felt a lot like jealousy.

"Yeah, we talked about Glee and what singing meant to us and stuff." The mixture of cheesiness and pride on his face was mildly sickening but Ray twisted his face out of a grimace.

"So you've already got one foot in the door, dude!"

"Will you be my wingman?"

"Sure!"

"Thanks man. What do I do first?"

 

   
The time came for the girls (+ Kurt) to perform their comeback and the thrill of adrenaline had everyone on a strange high. The boys sat expectantly in the choir room with the chairs facing the raised platform creating the stage.

Suddenly the lights dimmed and they all filed on stage. Mercedes' powerful voice rose up, igniting the electric guitar and heavy drum beat.

_Oooooh I miss the misery_

The lights snapped up and the others joined in with the vocals, moving effortlessly in a choreographed movement. They all wore tight white tank tops with black leather jackets and an array of black trousers. Ray vaguely noted how Kurt's looked leather and incredibly tight before his eyes zeroed in on Quinn.

Her jacket was loose and contrasted amazingly with the tight tank top she wore, highlighting all her features. Her hair was loosely curled and hung down just past her shoulders and having it untied transformed her. She looked light and carefree and, well, for want of a better word, fierce. Like a punk lioness.

Before he knew it she was walking towards him singing intently.

_I've been a mess since you stayed  
I've been a wreck since you changed_

Later than he should have, Ray realised it was just a general stalk towards the audience but his heart was still pounding unusually fast. He felt a pang of disappointment when her husky tones were replaced by Tina's.

_Don't let me get in your way  
I miss the lies and the pain_

Santana joined in with the vocals as they ascended into the chorus. Her persona was perfect for the song as she shot each line forward like a bullet, an apt combination of aggressive and seductive.

 _I miss the bad things_  
The way you hate me  
I miss the screaming   
The way that you blame me

Their movements weren't difficult but so in sync as they strutted around the stage. Ray could vaguely hear Finn muttering something about a mailman before he was sucked back in. Mercedes' powerful voice broke out over the others.

 _I like the kick in the face_  
(and the things you do to me)  
I love the way that it hurts  
(I don't miss you I miss the misery)

Ray tried to focus on the performance as a whole but kept being drawn back to Quinn, disappointed she wasn't singing more. With a strong bridge from Kurt and intense finale from the power duo that was Santana and Mercedes, the song ended.

A pause as the boys took in what they had just witnessed before raucous applause. Ray had to tear his eyes from Quinn when hers flitted in his direction. Unfortunately, they landed on Sam who was unashamedly staring dumbstruck at her, his grin pulled right across his handsome face. Something about it made him feel uncomfortable, like he was some sort of unwelcome voyeur, objectifying her. It was stupid because Ray had just been admiring her too... but it was different because Ray's was simply wonder at her talent and objective beauty. Totally platonic.

"Wow that was absolutely what I'm talking about! If we do something like that for Sectionals it'll be a breeze." Mr Shue looked like a kid in a candy shop.

However, despite his enthusiasm he clapped his hands and they were onto the meaning behind another abstract noun.

They all sat down and Quinn and Finn were sat right in front of Ray, Quinn's golden hair inches from his knees. Thoughts of Sam, Quinn and Finn occupied his mind for the rest of the session and, as hard as he tried, he couldn't bring himself to care about anything else.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

The song is 'I Miss The Misery' by Halestorm.


	7. Chapter 7

"He wants me to have dinner with him and his new girlfriend."

She'd wanted to hold it in, show him she didn't need his counsel, but it was eating away at her and she needed to tell someone. Santana and Brittany were out of the question, still greeting each other with cold formal greetings. Eventually she had caved and found him on MySpace. For such a ghost it was remarkably easy to find him, although she may have just used the same username and changed the gender. Yup, he really did still go by StarBoy.

It hadn't taken him long to accept. What did take long was her first message, her hands hovering frustratingly just over the keys for nigh on ten minutes. Finally she managed a simple:

SkySplits: Hi

Her nails were raw by the time he replied.

StarBoy: Hi

Well that wasn't useful, how was she supposed to start a conversation with that. Huffing, she sat back on her swivel chair and stared at the pixels on the screen, willing them to start creating a sentence on their own.

Eventually she leant forward and typed out a simple question, cringing all the way through typing it.

SkySplits: What are you up to?

StarBoy: I'm just listening to some music. What about you?

The reply was instantaneous, almost like he'd been waiting on it. The thought of that gave her some satisfaction that she refused to acknowledge. She suddenly realised his was a question too. A good one too; what was she doing?

She couldn't exactly look like she was desperately hanging on every word. She had to be doing something else. Her homework maybe? Then he might think she was a geek. Listening to music! No he was doing that. Watching a film? He might stop messaging so as not to disturb her.

SkySplits: Nothing much.

SkySplits: Messaging you.

StarBoy: I can see that.

Despite herself she found a smile break out on her face.

SkySplits: What are you listening to?

StarBoy: Um well...

StarBoy: Promise you won't judge me?

SkySplits: Uh yeah?

StarBoy: Cabaret soundtrack

Quinn scoffed and chuckled to herself. Of course.

StarBoy: You promised!!

SkySplits: How do you know I laughed?

StarBoy: I guessed you would

SkySplits: Do you think so little of me?

StarBoy: Was I wrong?

SkySplits: ...

SkySplits: No

StarBoy: >:(

SkySplits: :P

StarBoy: Did the great Quinn Fabray just use an emoji?

SkySplits: I could ask the same about a certain Ray Berry.

She still found it weird to use the syncopated version of the name. Rachel was still the name that immediately flowed into her mind but she shoved it down. She felt more comfortable being called Quinn, she had to respect that it was the same for Ray.

StarBoy: I'm already a loser that's no surprise.

SkySplits: You're not a loser.

StarBoy: I am in the eyes of the McKinley school body. At least, I would be if I was in the eyes of the McKinley school body.

SkySplits: That means you still have time to make an image.

Sitting back in her chair she cringed at the response she'd typed. He wasn't concerned with popularity or being cool, he'd managed to escape it. On the other hand, being in glee was a massive red target on someone's back, he wasn't going to be able to stay under the radar for much longer.

StarBoy: I'm not going to change myself just to make people like me.

This time Quinn full on flinched. She knew it wasn't directed toward her but it still stung.

SkySplits: I didn't mean that.

She had meant that.

StarBoy: What did you mean?

SkySplits: I dunno. You could join a sports team.

StarBoy: I'm not a jock and I don't have the personality or body type for football. I'm fine with being a loser, don't worry. I made my peace with it years ago.

She knew she had to change the subject now, things were getting too sensitive and she didn't want to close up again. Knowing full well that the shift was glaringly obvious, she typed out a message.

SkySplits: I met up with my dad.

After the result of their last conversation she expected some bitterness in his reply but he was perfectly casual. Annoyingly casual. Didn't anything get to this guy?

StarBoy: How did it go?

SkySplits: He wants me to have dinner with him and his new girlfriend.

StarBoy: And how do you feel?

Why did he have to go right for the feelings? She didn't know how she felt that's why she was talking to him. He was supposed to tell her how she felt not the other way around. Her thoughts made no sense but she couldn't help it.

SkySplits: I don't know. Happy I think. I mean he wants to help mend things... I think.

StarBoy: That's good.

SkySplits: I'm sorry about what I said before. I didn't mean it.

StarBoy: You don't have to apologise, you were understandably stressed. It happens to the best of us.

Suddenly a lump choked up Quinn's throat. Why did he have to be so... considerate? No one had ever reacted to her saltiness that way. Her parents would scold her, Santana would be even bitchier back and Finn would either look confused or like a kicked puppy until she was normal again. She never realised how much she just needed someone who just understood.

SkySplits: I'm just scared I'm forgiving too easily. I'm too eager and I'm gonna get hurt again.

StarBoy: It's not an easy situation but if you're completely honest, is there any possible situation in which you didn't take the chance?

He was right. It would kill her to not have tried, even if it might save her heartbreak in the future.

SkySplits: No I guess not.

StarBoy: So it might not go the way you want it to. At least you're not going into things trusting blindly.

Quinn sighed. She knew he wasn't going to have some perfect solution that would make everything better but she'd hoped he'd have some sort of plan, something she'd missed.

SkySplits: Yeah

SkySplits: I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

 

  
The moment of truth was upon Quinn at last. She had spent at least an hour deliberating over her outfit. That one was too provocative. That one had stretched when she had tried to wear it with Beth in her belly. Eventually she'd settled for one of her old babydoll dresses, wincing slightly at how tight it was around her stomach.

Her dress sense hadn't changed radically from before Beth but it had changed enough to inflict a wave of nostalgia on her after catching a glimpse of herself in a corridor mirror. So much had changed, some of which she had welcomed - she was certainly much closer to her mother as a result of her complicity in Quinn being kicked out - but much of it she would have preferred not to suffer through.

No matter how harsh and dominant she was at school, there would always be whispers about her through the town. She was the Christian head of the celibacy club that got knocked up by a Jew. Whenever she went to church the pastor would always look sympathetically at her as if the hundreds of sessions at confession and nights fearing for her soul weren't quite enough to repent.

Shaking off the history, Quinn squared her shoulders and knocked on the door of the quaint little apartment her father was now staying in. She stood there for a few moments, wringing the sleeves of her sweater in her sweaty fingers.  
Eventually a young woman with dark hair opened the door and beamed.

"Quinn, right? Come in." She waved Quinn into the cramped corridor and took her jacket.

"Russell's just in the kitchen helping finish off the sauce. He said you liked bolognese."

Quinn nodded mutely, taking in the woman that stood before her. It was so weird to know that they had both contributed to the breakdown of her parent's marriage in their own way. Jeanine was much prettier than Quinn had expected. She'd expected her to be caked in makeup and bitchy, not a natural beauty with a heart of gold. It had been easier to hate her that way, redirecting the hate she had for her father and dump it all on a random woman. It was harder with her right there, in the flesh.

They made their way into the kitchen/dining room where Russel Fabray was bent over a pot, his shirtsleeves rolled up but still caked in tomato sauce. Jeanine automatically planted a soft kiss on his cheek before glancing guiltily at Quinn. Quinn felt her stomach turn but offered a weak smile to show she was okay.

"I'm so glad you made it honey. The food is almost ready." He smiled at her, his hand around Jeanine's shoulders.

"It smells delicious." Quinn offered meekly, really rethinking this whole meeting.

Soon the food was served and the trio were shovelling forkfuls into their mouths in order to avoid conversation. Eventually, Jeanine broke in, the tension getting the best of her.

"So Quinn, do you have any plans for the future?"

That dreaded question. Quinn could feel the hollow feeling in her stomach that always appeared when she worried about the future, when all the structure she had built up in Lima was gone.

"I'm thinking about a couple of colleges." She mumbled vaguely. "Yale would be great but it's a stretch."

Russel chuckled.

"Well it will be with that attitude. Colleges like confidence, honey." His tone was encouraging but the hard glint in his eyes reminded her of all the 'pep-talks' he used to give her.

'You'll never get on the cheerios with all that baby fat, honey' or 'You'd be more popular if you wore contacts, baby'. Each followed by a sickeningly infantilising title to drive home the patronising tone.

"Yeah, Russel has told me how clever you are. They'd be idiots not to accept you." Jeanine added.

Quinn smiled gratefully at her and returned to her food, her stomach churning with unsaid words.

"I heard you rejoined the cheerios. How is that?" Her father again.

"Gruelling but rewarding. Miss Sylvester being Miss Sylvester as always."

"I always admired that woman. She has a spark to her that not a lot of women do. She acts almost like a man."

Quinn squirmed in her seat more with each sentence he spoke. She'd forgotten how misogynistic he could be.

"If you mean she acts like a dictator all the time then sure." She bit back.

Russel turned sharply to her with a frown.

"Quinn, don't be rude."

Part of her wanted to scream. He had no right to be telling her how to act. He'd kicked his pregnant daughter to the streets and left her and her mother. He was the one who needed to be taught kindness. A quick glance towards Jeanine reined her in and she bit her tongue. She was not going to make that poor woman suffer through a Fabray spat.

"I still go to glee club too." She knew Russel hated Glee. He'd made it clear on multiple occasions that it wasn't helping her image in any way and detracted from her concentration in cheerleading. She watched triumphantly as he tried to repress his distaste.

"Glee club is still running? I thought after all it's losses Principal Figgins would have shut it down."

Quinn's knuckles were white from clenching her cutlery so hard.

"Still going strong." She flashed him a tense smile. "In fact we have two new additions to the group, both strong potential male leads. I have a good feeling about this year."

Jeanine looked like she was at a tennis match. Her gaze flitting back and forth between the older and younger Fabray. She broke in smoothly, desperate to quell the rising tensions.

"So you like to sing? I always wish I'd learnt properly, it's such a useful skill."

Quinn smiled thankfully at her but her scowl returned as her father predictably tried to defend his side.

"Useful? I wouldn't call it 'useful'. It's more of a past time."

"Let's agree to disagree." Jeanine replied, essentially ending that line of dialogue.

The table lapsed into silence again, the screeching of knives against ceramic only heightening the awkward atmosphere. This carried on for a couple of minutes before Jeanine put down her cutlery suddenly.

"I can't hold it in anymore. Quinn we've got something to tell you."

Russel looked panicked and leaned over to her speaking lowly as if Quinn couldn't hear everything.

"Honey, are you sure we should do this now?"

"It's the reason we invited her here in the first place."

"Yes but-"

"Tell me." Quinn cut in, sick of her father's antics.

The couple straightened and shared a quick look before Jeanine took his hand and squeezed it once.

"We're pregnant"

The air was suddenly knocked out of Quinn's chest. She stared at their faces like she'd never seen either of them before. Searching for some sort of trick or joke in their expressions, she let out a choked laugh.

"What?"

"We thought you ought to know. I - we - thought it would be a good idea to reach out. Family is so important and we thought you might like to be in the loop." Jeanine carried on, oblivious of the nausea building in Quinn's stomach.

"This was all her idea?" Quinn managed to direct toward her father, trying desperately to keep her voice from cracking.

"Well - no - honey-"

"Tell the truth!" She shouted.

He frowned before nodding minutely. Quinn laughed again but this time she couldn't hold back the wobbliness of tears. Everything was closing in on her and the apartment suddenly felt incredibly hot and Quinn was finding it hard to pull air into her lungs. The image of her father and his new family, created out of wedlock, swam in front of her.

"I-I have to... I should-"

She motioned vaguely before standing up and running swiftly to the front door, fiddling almost frantically with the lock. Flinging it open and sprinting down into the street, she could hear her father's calls after her. The cold air did nothing to sober her up and she staggered aimlessly through the dark streets.

She hadn't brought her car in hopes of a ride back with her father, the thought of which sending a fresh wave of sobs through her body. Instead she just ran and ran and ran, needing to put as much distance between her and him. She knew she'd entered an area of town she didn't really recognise but the panic wasn't able to enter her hysterical brain.

She collapsed in what she was pretty sure was a car park and let all the pain she'd suppressed for months crash over her. But not enough tears would come and instead she felt crushed and terrified. A soft voice made her head snap up and she met eyes with a concerned face. Suddenly, strong arms were helping her up and held her gently by the upper arm.

"Quinn, what's wrong? Jeez you must be freezing. Wait a second." Sam shrugged off his bomber jacket and draped it over her shoulders. The warmth did nothing to help her emotionally but she pulled it tight around her gratefully.

"What are you doing here?"

"I got lost." She mumbled.

"Do you need a ride home? My car's just here."

He looked so concerned and eager that she didn't have the heart to turn him down. For some reason what she really needed was to go to Ray's house, but even if it wouldn't look strange to tell him to take her to the house of a guy who wasn't her boyfriend, she had no idea where he lived now.

She nodded softly and he led her into his car, giving her the same wounded puppy expression Finn gave her when she wasn't feeling good, which just sent waves of guilt through her for dumping her shit on them.

The car ride was almost as bad as being in the apartment, the awkwardness of near-strangers sharing an intimate space. Plus, he kept looking over at her every 30 seconds as if to check she hadn't disappeared.

She was reminded uncomfortably of the fact that this wasn't the first time she'd been driven home by him. The first time hadn't been bad as such, they'd exchanged interesting sentiments and had gotten on well enough. He was a good guy and she hated taking advantage of his kindness. It hadn't been his job to drive her home and it certainly wasn't this time. She should have called Finn or her mom.

Arrival at her house saved her from more self-deprecating thoughts. She gave him a mumbled "thanks" and reached for the door handle.

"We seem to making a habit out of this." He joked, shooting her a lopsided smile.

Unable to return his jovial attitude, she nodded.

"Yeah, sorry."

"No, no it's fine!" He looked guilty again. "As long as you're safe."

She made it out of the door and up the drive, Sam naturally refusing to leave until she was safely in her house. She remembered that her mother was out visiting a friend and scrabbled for the keys in her bag. Inserting them into the keyhole took far longer than usual and she could feel pressure building up in her skull.

Quinn made it inside just before her breaths began to shoot out in short bursts, deafeningly loud in the large corridor. She sank to the floor, unable to stop hyperventilating, wishing, begging, for tears to come and relieve her of the torturous pressure.

Unable to resist any longer, she took out her phone and dialled Ray's number. Her hands were shaking like mad as she held it up to her ear and she was worried no words would come out if he picked up.

 

Ray was in the middle of a recording of Something's Coming when he heard his phone vibrate loudly on his desk. Tutting at the ruined video, he went to check the caller ID. He smiled brightly when he saw Quinn's name on the screen.

"Hey, Quinn! How are you?"

His smile dropped sharply when all he could hear was erratic breathing coming from the other end.

"He-he didn't... I don't... My mom she's not here... I don't know what to do."

"Hey hey hey slow down. Where are you?" He was in full on mother hen mode.

"At home... I'm at home."

"Are you alone?"

"Y-yes."

"Right I'm coming over." Ray's voice was firm, resolute.

"No y-you don't have to." Quinn's voice was most certainly not, he could tell she didn't mean her denial.

Sprinting down the stairs he kept his phone to his ear.

"I'm gonna stay on the phone on speaker in the car, okay?"

All Quinn could manage was a small noise of affirmation. Ray found his father's snuggled on the couch and quickly asked permission to go to 'a friend's'. They were understandably perturbed due to the late hour but understood their son's distress must mean it was important.

Ray hopped in their car and after Quinn had choked out her address he sped there, supplying reassuring words throughout the journey. He parked terribly and ran up the steps to her massive house.

Quinn threw open the door as soon as he reached it and they both hung up. There was a moment of shocked silence before she threw her arms around him, gripping him in a bear hug. He carefully placed his arms around her too, a blush creeping up his neck at their proximity. Her breathing had calmed slightly and soon he felt his t shirt grow wet with tears.

"Hey, shall we go somewhere a bit more private?" He whispered.

She withdrew and nodded, not quite meeting his gaze. He could see her eyes flooded with tears and lip wobbling.

He shut the door carefully behind him and followed her up the stairs into a room scarcely decorated with pictures and awards. As though he knew exactly what he was doing, Ray sat on the floor leaning his back against the bed frame and beckoned for Quinn to follow. It felt weird being the one to comfort someone else, usually it was him in Quinn's position. He could tell his fathers had rubbed off on him with their patient encouragement and calm behaviour when it was needed.

Quinn slumped down beside him, hugging her knees against her chest, openly weeping.

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I just... I dunno."

"You don't have to apologise for feeling down. Trust me, I've been there."

She gave him a short watery smile.

"It just feels so good. Is that weird?"

"No. Definitely not." He gazed at her with empathy as another sob wracked her body.

She leant her head on his shoulder and he saw an image of the steely expression and regal manner she donned throughout school in his minds eye. She'd gone through a pregnancy, homelessness and rejection from her family and still managed to make people believe she was an ice queen. No wonder she was a wreck, that was enough to make anyone explode.

Sympathy filled his chest as well as a huge sense of hopelessness. He wanted to do something, help her somehow. He used to know exactly what to say, throwing around promises of dreams come true in the future. But he'd learnt that blind hope for the future did nothing to help with the present pain. Devoid of ideas, he did the one thing he knew, he began to sing.

When you try your best but you don't succeed  
When you get what you want but not what you need

His voice was clear, soft and comforting, hitting the notes perfectly as usual. He felt more sobs run through her and acknowledged that, though he wished she could feel no need to cry, his presence was helping her let go.

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep  
Stuck in reverse  
When the tears come streaming down your face  
And you lose something you can't replace

Her body shook even more and he put his arm around her, squeezing her shoulder to let her know he was here for her. She wrapped her arms around his chest and although the position was slightly awkward and uncomfortable, neither of them seemed to care.

When you love someone but it goes to waste  
Stuck in reverse

Giving her another squeeze, he sang the chorus.

Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones   
And I will try to fix you

Her sobs had lessened now but he could feel a constant steam of tears drenching his shoulder.

High up above or down below  
When you were too in love to let it go  
But if you never try you'll never know  
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you

They sat like that for what felt like half an hour before Quinn sniffed sharply and sat up, eyeing the tear stain she'd left. She wiped away her mildly running makeup. Ray marvelled at how immaculate she still managed to look with a blotchy red face and puffy eyes.

"I'm sorry." She mumbled again, looking thoroughly embarrassed now that her emotions had run their course.

"It really is okay. It reminded me a little of old times." Ray smiled.

"I seem to remember most of the time the roles were reversed."

Ray chuckled. "I was just a lot more in touch with my emotions. Crying is good for the soul."

They both looked at each other, nostalgia leaving the moment heavy with emotion. Ray shifted uncomfortably, not good with silences, awkward or not.

"I should let you sleep, you must be exhausted. Sorry for inviting myself I didn't-"

"Stay." Quinn blurted out, interrupting his tirade. "If you want. It's not a school night and it's pretty late. Your dads wouldn't mind, would they?"

If he didn't know her any better, Ray might have thought Quinn sounded flustered by her proposal. He put it down to an emotional night. Remembering she was home alone for the night, Ray nodded, rather happy he didn't have to spend the rest of the night worrying about her wellbeing.

"There's a spare mattress under here."

She pulled out an amazingly comfortable looking double mattress and fetched a duvet and pillows from a closet, already covered in fresh smelling sheets.

"I can grab you a spare toothbrush if you want?"

"Would you mind? I'm quite particular about keeping my teeth healthy."

Ray blushed at the smirk Quinn shot him.

"Some things haven't changed."

Ray realised with an embarrassed jolt that Quinn probably needed space to change and went out to the corridor with the feeble excuse of calling his dads.

The phone rang once before it was answered by an eager Hiram Berry.

"Hello sweetie everything alright?"

"Yes daddy I'm alright. Would it be okay for me to skip Saturday brunch and stay over at Quinn Fabray's tonight?"

"Quinn Fabray? Judy and Russell's daughter?"

Ray winced at the title he had given her but answered calmly.

"Yes, her."

"Oh well yeah sure. Your father and I are happy you're making new... friends."

He narrowed his eyes, not liking Hiram's tone.

"What did that pause mean?"

"What pause? I'm not sure I know what you mean."

Hiram was exaggeratedly confessing innocence and Ray was pretty sure he could hear Leroy chuckling in the background. Before he could reply with a scathing remark, Quinn emerged from her bedroom in the shortest shorts he'd ever seen on a person. Immediately snapping his eyes from her ridiculously long legs, he gulped down his words.

"Your toothbrush is in the en suite. Do you want any spare pjs?"

"Uh no thank you. I can just sleep in this. Not that I usually do, I only meant I'm perfectly comfortable doing so."

With an earful of barely suppressed laughter and a raised eyebrow from Quinn, Ray felt ready to die on the spot.

"Goodnight, daddy." He said huffily, hanging up the phone with a pointed poke on the index.

Quinn's face was one of confused amusement.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah sorry. My father was being an idiot that's all."

He quickly completed his evening routine, making do with using as little of Quinn's products as possible. They both eventually settled into bed, strangely comfortable in the arrangement, as if nothing had changed since their last sleepover. Quinn turned off the light and Ray inspected the unfamiliar ceiling above him, sleep far from close.

Quinn slept with her curtains open and the soft moonlight lit up her bedroom so much that, with eyes now accustomed to the darkness, Ray could make out various framed photos on her desk. The largest was glee club, probably from the year before, all donning goofy grins. The second, the Unholy Trinity, as McKinley called them, posing in cheerio outfits trying to look serious but failing miserably.

"When did you know? That you were... a guy." The sudden loud voice in the silence made him jump.

It took a moment for him to fully comprehend what she had asked, which she seemed to take as shock at the statement.  
"Just that I never- you always were so... girly. Sorry I didn't mean to, y'know, I'm just curious. You don't have to answer if you don't-"

"It's fine, really. I don't really remember a definitive moment when I knew. I kind of always felt it and suppressed it completely, channeling all my personality into performing. It was easier not to think about how uncomfortable I was when performing because I didn't need to be myself. Or, I could explore who I was without fear of repercussion."

There was a brief pause before her tentative voice rose up again.

"So have you had a... sex change."

Ray flinched inadvertently at the term. He knew she hadn't meant anything by it, only speaking from what she'd heard about the topic. Still ignorant statements made him very uncomfortable.

"It's a bit more complex than that. The term 'sex change' is quite misleading. Really, you don't have to go through any surgery or hormone therapy to feel comfortable in your own gender. However, the connotations we have added to certain body parts and visual appearances means it can make you... self conscious to put it lightly. Personally, I am now comfortable enough to speak about it and say that I have indeed undergone a bit of both, but for most trans people, that can be a touchy subject."

"Sorry I didn't mean-"

"You don't have to apologise, Quinn. I know this is a- an unexplored territory for you. Thank you for being as respectful as you can."

Ray realised that their was a sudden levity in his chest. It felt so good, so freeing to talk about his feelings with someone other than a psychologist or his fathers.

"Have you told anyone else?"

"No. I moved to McKinley in order to be stealth, uh to live as my true gender without people knowing. In somewhere like Lima or anywhere around here, it's a matter of safety."

The silence was longer this time and Ray was starting to think Quinn had fallen asleep when she piped up once more, her voice tender and apologetic.

"I'm sorry about what I said after your first glee session. I was wrong and rude and- and I'm sorry."

A warm rush of affection flooded through Ray. Quinn's acceptance was something he'd not expected to fully come, at least not for a long time. In fact he hadn't expected anyone's acceptance. He'd lived in fear for so long.

"Thank you, Quinn."

The two lay in silence until, finally, they both dropped off, the warmth of rediscovered friendship enveloping them.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Thank you all for your lovely reviews! I'm sorry I haven't replied directly to them but I read all of them and smile. I will try and be quicker updating but I am doing my A Levels so I have a lot of work to do.

The song is Fix You by Coldplay


	8. Chapter 8

"I drove her home again on Saturday."

  
Sam had whispered it conspiratorially in Ray's ear while he was collecting his books from his locker. Ray almost dropped them in surprise.

  
"You what?"

  
Sam's grin was wider than Ray had ever seen it, and that was saying something since his mouth was one of the largest he'd seen.

  
"She was in my area and I offered her a lift. We didn't really talk this time but I feel like we had a bit of a connection. She knows she can trust me."

  
The taste of Ray's tongue was suddenly quite bitter and his smile just wouldn't come. The glow that had surrounded him since the sleepover suddenly felt considerably dimmer. He hadn't been the knight in shining armour, just another boy who fell at Quinn's feet at her bidding. He wanted to deflate the growing ego Sam was nurturing through her affections but he stopped himself realising how petty he was.

  
"That's great, Sam. I happy for you." The bitterness hadn't left his words but Sam was so high on cloud nine that nothing could affect his happiness.

  
The Unholy Trio strutted through their daily catwalk routine, staring imperiously ahead and not glancing once at the crowd of plebeian students. Ray could feel his whole body tingle with anticipation. What was she going to do? Turn to him and give a friendly smile? Stop in the middle of the hallway and say good morning?

  
The squeak of sneakers on linoleum was deafening and it felt like the whole crowd had gone silent. Suddenly, sound crashed back over Ray and he realised they had gone. Not a glance. Not even one sign of recognition. He deflated; all the pent up breath he'd been holding suddenly was released.

  
"Do you really think a girl like her would go for a guy like me?"

  
Ray really wanted to strangle Sam at that moment. How could he not see that he was exactly the kind of guy she'd go for. He was sweet, conventionally attractive, and, well, had a penis. Not that a certain guy without a penis wanted to be with her in that way. But still.

  
"She will see how great you are, Sam. Just give it time."

  
Ray slammed his locker and headed toward his first class, Sam taking a moment to look after Quinn's receding figure before following.

  
While making their way to class, Ray noticed Mr Shue sticking a piece of paper to a notice board. He stepped back to reveal a poster which made Ray stop in his tracks. The words GREASE: AUDITIONS THURSDAY AND FRIDAY AFTER SCHOOL were typed in big red letters over a patterned background that made Ray's eyes hurt, but that wasn't the reason he'd stopped.

  
"What's wrong?" Sam realised his friend had stopped five steps later and awkwardly jogged back to him and looking around.  
"I have to audition." Ray's voice was barely a mutter. All thoughts of exposure and ridicule flew right out of his mind. He had to be in Grease. The performer in him was suddenly reawakened with a vengeance, all those years of repression just making him even more eager.

  
"What?" Sam was looking bemusedly at Ray's set jaw.

  
Pointing at the sign he repeated himself, louder now.

  
"I have to audition."

  
"For Grease? I didn't know you were a musical theatre person."

  
Ray looked at him incredulously.

  
"I am more musical theatre than I am a person."

  
Sam chuckled and looked back at the poster.

  
"Thursday and Friday, huh? Sounds good to me, I'll do it with you. We'd make great T-Birds."

  
Blooms of butterflies exploded in Ray's stomach but he was thankful that he would be acting with someone he knew. Running through all the songs in his head he sorted out the harmonies and top picks for audition solos and duos. He wasn't worried about the dance audition; he'd learnt the hand jive age five and had regular dance lessons since earlier.

  
They quickly passed Mr Shue's classroom to pick up the audition sides before heading to class.

 

 

"What do you think about auditioning for Grease?"

  
It was lunch and Quinn had been twiddling her 'mash' with her fork while the other cheerleaders chattered endlessly and Brittany and Santana sat coldly on either side of her. She'd seen the poster at recess and couldn't get the idea out of her head.

  
Of course, she wasn't a theatre kid but auditioning wouldn't hurt right? She wasn't going to get a big part or anything, she didn't have a musical theatre voice, but it could be fun.

  
Santana grunted. "Cheesy, much?"

  
"What?"

  
"Grease. It's like the cheesiest musical Shue could have chosen. Probably just another ploy to get into Ginger's grannie-panties."

  
Quinn sighed heavily. Recently, Santana had been consistently grumpy and Quinn's temper was rapidly reducing in size. To her surprise, Brittany spoke up from her left.

  
"I think it will be fun. I'm auditioning with Mike because neither of us sing but we are awesome at dancing. I hope there's a part like that."

  
Santana's cheeks had turned pink and she looked like she'd swallowed a lemon.

  
"Won't Artie be jealous, Britt? About you getting so close to another guy?"

  
Brittany straightened and Quinn noticed a hint of satisfaction before her face clouded over with confusion.

  
"San-"

  
"Forget it. Break a leg for your audition." Santana started to head off before halting abruptly and turning to Quinn. "If you want, I'll go with you."

  
Shock made Quinn dumb but she nodded vigorously. With one last look at Brittany, which seemed more desperate than her usual irritation, she left the lunch hall.

  
"Why does she want me to break my leg?" Brittany's voice was small and defeated.

  
Quinn turned quickly back to her friend.

  
"She doesn't want you to break your leg, Britt. She- it's something people say to wish people luck. She wants you to do well."  
The way Brittany's face lit up was adorable and reminded Quinn to punch some sense into Santana the next time she saw her.

  
"Can I ask you something?" Quinn knew she was probably going to regret delving into their drama but she couldn't help it.

  
"Sure, Q. What is it?" Brittany had contentedly returned to rearranging her food into faces.

  
"What happened between you two?"

  
There was a pause in which Brittany kept fiddling with her food. Quinn was beginning to think she hadn't heard her when she finally spoke.

  
"Me and San used to make out when we went to each other's houses, and sometimes in the janitor's closet..."

  
Brittany momentarily lost her train of thought and Quinn tried desperately to get the image out of her head.

  
"... San would always say it didn't mean anything, just two friends having fun, practising for when we do it with boys. So I didn't think she would care about Artie. He's so sweet and he plays the guitar really well. But then she wouldn't talk to me or make out with me and I didn't know what to do. Then she told me she loved me and I didn't know what to do because I love Artie."

  
Quinn coughed, choking slightly from surprise.

  
"Santana said she loved you?"

  
Brittany frowned, thinking, for a moment before nodding.

  
"I think so."

  
"Oh."

  
"What do you think I should do?"

  
Quinn was unable to give her any advice. She hadn't realised how much Santana had put herself out there, she'd assumed Brittany had started seeing Artie and Santana got distant and angry. She'd actually tried.

  
"I-I'm not sure, Britt."

  
She felt useless. Ray would know what to do. Maybe she ought to ask him, after all he probably knew about these sorts of things. No, she'd given him enough with her own troubles, and he was bound to have plenty of his own. Shit. She'd spent so long dumping all of her problems on him and she hadn't spent five minutes trying to hear about his.

  
"Cha-cha."

  
"Huh?" Brittany turned to her and she realised she'd blurted that out.

  
"Cha-cha DiGregorio. She's a character in Grease. I'm pretty sure she never sings and she's supposed to be a good dancer."  
Brittany beamed and pulled Quinn into a rib-crushing bear hug.

 

 

Ray hadn't expected to be this nervous about auditioning. The audition for glee had been far easier because he was about as terrified of being allowed in as failing. Now he actually had something to fight for, something he really wanted.

  
Butterflies had filled his stomach ever since they'd seen the poster and he was so jittery he felt like he'd had a triple espresso. Sam sat through all every lesson and lunch cool as a cucumber, apart from when Quinn strode past with her tray. Ray prayed to whatever celestial being there might be that he'd never be that awkward when he had a crush.

  
The sides had been easy to learn and he knew all the songs backwards and by heart, but now he was about to be called on and the butterflies hit him so hard he felt like he would be sick. Sam was next to him looking strained but not on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

  
"Ray Berry."

  
Mr Shue's voice did nothing to soothe his qualms but Sam gave him a light punch to the shoulder and whispered "you can do this" into his ear and things started to feel a bit better. He strode out onto the stage and squared his shoulders.

  
"Hi, Ray. You've prepared a song?"

  
"Yes, I have."

  
He had decided with Sam that he would do Doody's solo and allow Sam to do the iconic 'Sandy'. What Sam didn't know was that the song wasn't actually in the stage version and half the boys auditioning would do that song.

  
"I'm going to be singing 'Those Magic Changes'. If that's okay with you?"

  
Ray looked at Brad for confirmation and he nodded, finding his sheet music swiftly.

  
"Whenever you're ready." Mr Shue said, an encouraging smile on his face.

  
Ray nodded and the music began.

 

C,C,C,C,C,C,  
A,A,A,A minor  
F,F,F,F,F,F  
G,G,G,G seven

 

As soon as Ray began to sing he felt the adrenaline of performance take over and ceased to be the awkward trans teenager trying for the school musical. He suddenly felt like a Greaser from the 1950s and he channelled that into his voice with all his heart.

 

What's that playing on the radio?  
Why do I start swaying to and fro?  
I have never heard that song before,  
But if I don't hear it anymore,

 

The high notes of the chorus came easily to him and he belted them out. Mr Shue, Brad, Sam and all the possible auditionees who might be listening faded into the background. He was going to be in this musical no matter what.

  
The music ended and Mr Shue looked like a kid in a candy store.

  
"Very well done, Ray. I'll see Sam's song and then am I right in thinking you two are doing the acting audition together?"

  
"Yes, sir."

  
"Great. Take a break and I'll see you in a sec. Next!"

  
Ray practically skipped backstage to where Sam was entering from and punched his shoulder in return. Sam grinned and soon he had begun his rendition of the classic man pain song.

  
Ray had to give it to him, he did deliver it with huge amounts of feeling and vocal talent. He just couldn't see it standing out as much as his one.

  
Once the sides were spoken, and Mr Shue's enthusiasm filled to the max, Ray and Sam made their way out of the auditorium, huge grins plastered across their faces. Their footsteps echoed through the empty halls and their voices joined as they performed the whole soundtrack in the highest spirits.

  
It was only in the parking lot that Ray noticed his bag was still backstage with all is homework for the next day.

  
"I gotta go back. Bag. See you tomorrow and good luck!" He shouted to Sam across the bikes and convertibles.

  
The adrenaline of the audition gave him the energy to sprint all the way back and he made it there in under a minute. Expertly navigating the crowds of theatre kids he found the chair with his bag and made it out of the swarm of talentless ego. About to sprint back, his feet were suddenly stilled by a soft voice coming from the auditorium.

  
It was a girl's voice, husky but clear, singing Hopelessly Devoted to You with such vulnerability that he had to see her. He opened the door a crack and halted abruptly. Of course it was her. The gorgeous Quinn Fabray was standing in the middle of the stage wringing her hands and belting out all the emotions he recognised from the moments he'd seen her vulnerable.

Hurt, anger, loss. All of them were coming across clear as day to an enraptured Mr Shue.

  
Ray marvelled at her ability to bare herself despite her usual 10 foot walls. She wasn't being the Quinn Fabray he recognised from the hallways but the one she allowed herself to be when it was just them.

  
The song ended and Ray watched as the walls slid back up as if nothing had happened. Suddenly she was the HBIC again, giving Mr Shue the stern look that meant 'I know you're a teacher but you better give me the part or else'.

  
"That was incredible Quinn. I'm only concerned about you having enough time with heading the cheerios." Mr Shue put forward tentatively.

  
There was a pause that seemed to fill the whole auditorium with anticipation.

  
"I manage with glee."

  
"Yes but during performance week and the weeks leading up to it we may have rehearsals almost everyday."

  
Another pause.

  
"Why don't we see what happens?" Mr Shue was evidently unable to handle the tension. "Either way, you're a very strong contender for a callback."

  
Quinn nodded and strode off, evidently deep in thought.

  
Ray realised he was still staring through a gap in the doors and slipped back out. Right into the stern face of one Santana Lopez. She stood intimidatingly in the power stance, hands planted firmly on her hips, eyebrow raised.

  
Ray couldn't help internally recognising the similarities between her and Quinn's body language while containing very different energy. Quinn commanded a quite and poised superiority and if she barked at someone they knew they were in trouble. Lucky for the rest of the student body that tended to be Finn.

  
Santana on the other hand could be likened to a pot boiling. It was a matter of when not if that she exploded. Usually that would be in the form of a string of Spanish words that were delightfully creative. Right now that energy was directed right at him. Oh.

  
"What are you doing?"

  
Even if he had the words he probably wouldn't have been able to speak.

  
"What're you doing creeping on my girl Q like that, dwarf? Huh?"

  
"Your girl? No I wasn't- I was just- I'm taller than you!" The end of his reply might have ended rather petulantly for his liking.

  
"Not my girl girl I'm not-" Santana suddenly looked like she was the deer caught in the headlights rather that him. She rapidly regained her composure and set her gaze. "Yeah I know you're taller but I'm used to Pastry Puffs and Puck so... you're short."

  
An awkward silence fell over the two of them, Ray still adamant that he was innocent but not brave enough to vocalise it and Santana... well actually what was she doing? Why didn't he have a slushied face or verbal lashing yet?

  
"Can I go?" He tentatively asked, flinching slightly in anticipation of a violent response.

  
"Yeah scram, Dobby." But there wasn't even bark, yet alone a bite.

  
Briskly striding back to the parking lot Ray realised she'd used a Harry Potter reference. Maybe she wasn't so far from nerdy. Well, she was in Glee. He found himself suddenly reevaluating the infamous Santana Lopez. That seemed to be happening with a lot of people recently.

  
One thing he hadn't expected was that his gaydar was pinging like mad. There were lots of things Ray was clueless about but people often underestimate the power of closeted bisexual trans people's gaydar. His was off the charts accurate. Although that may be partly connected to the fact that he thought everyone was a little not straight.

  
Back to Santana, he realised now he should have seen it sooner. Brittany and her were practically on top of each other at any given moment, though he'd noticed the change since Brittany had started dating Artie. In Ray's defence, girls were much harder to gage because of their culture of friendly flirting.

  
There was more to the Unholy Trinity than met the eye, and Ray was starting to realise how human each of them really were. And with each nugget of information, he wanted to find out more.

 

 

"Listen up, Toe-nail crunchers!" Sue's grating voice barked through her megaphone across the field. "I have an announcement!"

  
The squad assembled faster than a military column and stood to attention. Sue's beady eyes sized up her pristine squad as if gazing at chewing gum under a desk. Quinn could tell something was up by the way the tendons in her neck stood out more than usual.

  
"I have received news of something very disturbing. My spies have told me that many of you have auditioned for the freak show that the little lamb known as William Shuester is planning on putting on."

  
Quinn could feel several members of the squad shifting uncomfortably but she kept her eyes forward and poker face on.   
"I will inform you now that any person participating in Shuester's... shenanigans will be forced to refuse their role or risk having their ass kicked right out of my cheerios."

  
Quinn felt her stomach drop. She'd expected a hissy fit from Sue, maybe at worst a few extra suicides per session but this was something else entirely. She hadn't expected to care so much about getting into Grease but now that door was closed to her, she suddenly wanted it more than anything.

  
Something had happened on that stage, during the auditions. She'd gotten up there and all her walls had fallen away. She'd felt light and free and those eyes and ears that she could constantly sense around her meant nothing. It didn't matter what she did because it wasn't really her.

  
"Bullshit."

  
Quinn only realised that had come from her mouth when she saw the whole squad's eyes on her. Quashing a mini heart attack, she stuck out her chin and squared her shoulders to show Sue she meant business.

  
"More than half the squad auditioned, you know that. We're the best dancers in this school and this would be a great way to get us into even better shape."

  
Quinn knew the excuses she was giving were shaky to say the least, but she just kept going.

  
"There are no competitions for at least a few months after the performances so it's not scheduling you're worried about. You're rivalry with Mr Shue doesn't mean you can take it out on us."

  
Stunned into silence from being reprimanded by her Head Cheerleader, Sue didn't have an immediate response. However, Quinn could see her eyes start to narrow and lip curl and knew things were about to get brutal. But she wasn't going to give Sue the satisfaction of cowering. She was sick of adults manipulating and bullying her.

  
"I would like to remind you, Miss Fabray, that your position on this squad was given as a very generous favour after you decided to don the scarlet letter for nine months."

  
Sue's voice was cold and measured, each word digging deep underneath Quinn's skin. Instead of lashing back or losing her temper, Quinn clenched her jaw tight and said nothing. Instead, she did something far more powerful. She started to smirk.

  
It was almost comical to see Sue's face morph from sadistic triumph to confusion then to rage. The squad, whose heads had been flitting back and forth like tennis spectators, watched astounded as Quinn oozed rebellious confidence in the face of Sue's cruel jibes.

  
There was no sound but a vicious war was waged between the eyes of Sue Sylvester and her young counterpart before finally-  
"Practice is over! What the hell are you babies still doing on my field!? Scram!"

  
As the rest of them scrabbled to the changing rooms, Quinn gave her a last glare and strolled leisurely to a waiting Santana and Brittany. Both of them were looking at her with trepidation; neither wanted their association with her to lead to punishment but at the same time something in the air had changed. Sue's powerful aura wasn't as potent.

  
"Wow, Q, I didn't know you cared so much."

  
Neither did Quinn. Perhaps it was simply frustration with Sue's bullshit. She would put it down to that.

  
"She just needed an ego check. Come on, let's go change."

 

 

It was the callbacks and Quinn stood in a room with mostly glee kids but a bunch of cheerios and people she didn't know. Shue had just whipped out a sheet and was sporadically looking at it and them, which was unnerving to say the least. No one had spoken a word in five minutes, all too tense about what he might make them do.

  
Then he started calling out names. Santana and Puck - no surprise there; they were born to be Rizzo and Kenickie. Some theatre kid and Mercedes. Shue paused for a moment before reading out two more names. Finn and Tina.

  
What.

  
Quinn could feel eyes on her and felt determined to look impassive. She didn't care that Shue had just thrown away his chance of seeing them as Danny and Sandy. The thought that Finn was Shue's golden boy, a shoe in for Danny, and she wasn't with him. That it might hurt her chances.

  
Ray was paired with some overexcited girl with the fashion sense of a blind taxidermist, which didn't help her temper. Finally, the nail of the coffin, Shue called out her name. She was paired with Sam.

  
She'd known about his crush on her since his glee audition. His eyes didn't stray from her for very long during the whole session. Quinn had something of a sixth sense when it came to people looking at her, which she put down to the amazing peripheral vision she developed after her corridor walk downs in the Unholy Trinity for so many years.

  
It wasn't that Sam wasn't attractive. He had the boyish good looks, great voice and Greek god body. But something was lacking. He didn't have the bad boy attitude that Puck did, or the history she had with Finn, or Ray. Not that she thought of Ray that way. Just... if she were to compare Sam with other boys in her life, he wasn't the first she'd pick.

  
Speaking of eye lines and Ray Berry, Quinn's spidey senses were tingling. She turned and saw him looking right at her before getting distracted by the aggravatingly bubbly brunette he was paired with.

  
"Right I want each of you to quickly run through 'You're The One That I Want' with your partners and I'll be calling you in with the order I called out your pairs. Okay gang! Get going!"

  
Sam was exactly the overexcited puppy she'd been expecting and she found herself getting a head ache from the number of times she had to stop herself rolling her eyes.

There was one upside to their pairing however, Sam did have a relatively good spatial awareness and didn't move like a trained bear like a certain boyfriend. That raised her hopes of being put with a suitable Danny. Now she just needed to get over her discomfort and work on their chemistry.

  
"I wanted to properly say thank you. For the other night. I don't think I really expressed how... helpful you were."

  
Sam couldn't meet her eyes but she could tell he was fighting down a grin.

  
"It's no problem. Anytime."

  
There was an awkward pause between them before Sam piped up again.

  
"Can I ask you a question?"

  
Oh no, here it was. Why was she with Finn? He totally wasn't good enough for her. I would be so much better etcetera. She shifted uncomfortably, not wanting to ruin their dynamic just before the audition but nodded because what else could she do?

  
"I know this is kinda weird but... how do you balance all your school life and glee and still be popular?"

  
Ok so that wasn't the question she was expecting. In fact, she wasn't sure she had an answer for that. Popularity was such a complicated and mercurial thing; she knew it better than most. And all she could see in Sam right then was her four years ago, albeit far more attractive and suited for popularity.

She had this crazy urge to take him by the shoulders and look him right in the eyes and say: "it's not worth it."

  
But she didn't. Instead she just returned to the mask she knew best: arrogance.

  
"I guess it just comes naturally to me. I don't take no for an answer."

  
Sam frowned, as if he'd been expecting some sort of Twelve Easy Steps to Popularity at McKinley High.

  
"Should we keep practising?" She asked slightly impatiently.

  
"Sure yeah. Where were we?"

 _______________________________________________________________________________________________

Hey guys I'm so sorry this took so long school life has been killing me. Unfortunately that's not gonna change for another few months so updates are gonna be super slow :/ Sorry again!

And if you haven't heard the beauty that is Those Magic Changes, listen to the Grease Live version by Jordan Fisher

 


	9. Chapter 9

Ray knew he was being snappy and irritable but he couldn't help it. Sam seemed to get it straight away, giving him a quick one armed hug and saying nothing. No hollow reassurances were going to help. The only thing that would cure Ray of the antsy alter-ego would be the cast list.

  
They'd checked together first thing but there was just a note saying it would be up by lunch, which made Ray actually growl. Sam had to pull him back from stalking right into Mr Shue's office and demanding it on the spot. He knew logically he was just trying to help but he still left him with a sizeable shin bruise.

  
Spanish class was even worse because one of the traits Ray prided himself on was being an empath, at least to those he cared about, and there was a certain hazel eyed cheerleader who looked almost as on edge as him. That meant double the stress every time he looked at or even thought about her, which was embarrassingly often.

  
When class ended, Ray looked up from his packing to lock eyes with her and felt a nervous jolt run through him, as if with that one look she knew he'd spent most of the lesson staring at her profile. Instead of contorting her face into one of disgust or amusement, she gave him a nod of recognition and, maybe he was reading too much into it but, encouragement. He nodded back and forced a smile of encouragement back; even if he didn't get a main role, she deserved one.

  
And of course the list wasn't up at lunch either. Mr Shue was really starting to get on Ray's nerves. He stood with Sam, leaning against the notice board trying to look casual, and by the third time he saw Santana and Quinn pass through the corridor he realised they weren't the only ones waiting for the moment of truth. Naturally they couldn't let the student body know how much they cared so they had to resort to sneaky surveillance tactics.

  
Ray was ready to storm his office again when the man of the hour finally emerged. Ray smacked Sam and they both stood to attention barely holding back from launching themselves on him. Mr Shue took his sweet time pinning all four corners to the board before withdrawing and letting the two boys set upon it like vultures.

  
Ray's eyes took a moment to figure out the format before scanning the sheet quickly.

 

Danny Zuko - Sam Evans

Sandy Dumbrowski - Quinn Fabray

Kenickie - Noah Puckerman

Betty Rizzo - Santana Lopez

Doody - Ray Berry

Frenchy - Sugar Mottah

Roger - Finn Hudson

Jan - Mercedes Jones

Mrs Lynch - Lily Brown

Eugene Florczyk - Harry Wilson

Patty Simcox - Olivia Cannings

Cha-Cha Di Gregorio - Brittany Pierce

Teen Angel - Kurt Hummel

Vince Fontaine - Mike Chang

 

It went on to list the copious chorus made up mostly of the cheerios but Ray had stopped about halfway down. It felt like someone had just punched him in the abdomen. This wasn't right; he'd oozed Greaser confidence in every audition.

  
Tears threatened to spill over his eyelids but he clamped his jaw down. He wasn't going to cry over a part in a school musical, especially not when his best friend had received the part. He was one of the T-Birds, why was he complaining?

  
He shot a quick empty congratulations to Sam before excusing himself to go to the toilet. Ray knew his dignified defeat wasn't at all convincing, not helped by the fact he headed off in the wrong direction for the loo, but he couldn't care.

  
Sam probably shouted something after him as he power walked to the auditorium but it didn't register. He needed to be alone in a quiet dark place or he was going to explode. Actually, he needed to cry, really hard, while being hugged by Quinn. Quinn Fabray who had got the role she wanted. Who was going to be serenaded by Sam with real words of love.

  
Rays brain short circuited when he realised Sandy and Danny would most likely kiss. He collapsed in the back row of the auditorium and let the tears leak silently out. He hated that that was the thought that bothered him the most. Not the lost part, the opportunity to present a perfect Danny Zuko, but the reoccurring image of Quinn in Sam's arms.

  
 _Stop it, stop thinking that_ , he berated himself. _I don't care, I don't care, I don't care._

  
He didn't care. He couldn't care. He decided: he wouldn't care. Any thoughts or feelings that had been arising over the last few days, weeks even, were nothing more than platonic love rekindled. It didn't help that the love he'd harboured for her in middle school had hardly been platonic. She was a different person now; any extremely faint chance he had had back then was completely obliterated.

  
Ray decided to make a mental list of all the things that meant Quinn would never see him that way.

1\. She is Quinn Fabray

  
2\. She is dating Finn Hudson

  
3\. Finn Hudson is the Quarterback

  
4\. She can literally be with anyone she wants

Ray paused, hating himself for thinking the next point but nevertheless painfully aware of its possibility.

5\. Ray Berry is trans

Ray wasn't naive. He knew how people of small town Lima felt about trans people and maybe Quinn had accepted his true gender but it didn't mean she was capable of seeing him that way. He'd always been able to accept that he wasn't going to experience the usual teen lifestyle. Spontaneous adventures, alcohol fuelled parties and awkward first loves just weren't in the repertoire of an anxious trans guy.

  
A sudden click of the auditorium doors made Ray's head shoot up from his foetal position. For a second he thought Quinn might have run after him, having noticed his pain. He wasn't sure if that would be comforting or mortifying. Saving him from having to figure that out, the semi-scowl, semi-smirk of Santana Lopez finally came into view.

  
"'Sup midget."

Her voice was neutral, bordering on uncomfortable, and Ray welcomed it; if she'd been any more sympathetic he might have burst into tears again.

  
"I'm just dandy."

  
"What?"

  
"Never mind. What do you want?" He hadn't meant it to come out that harshly but didn't have the energy to take it back.  
Santana frowned, evidently not appreciating his lack of hero (villain) worship.

  
"Look, Berry, I'm here to give you a deal. You obviously have some serious issues that you need some help working through-" she paused to take a deep breath "-and as it happens so do I."

  
Ray wasn't sure what shocked him more: Santana admitting weakness or the fact that she knew his surname.

  
"I don't have issues..." Ray tried pathetically.

  
All it took was one eyebrow raise to make him relent.

  
"Fine but they're not things I need help with. They're things I just have to deal with."

  
Santana sighed and sat down heavily on a chair next to where he was sat.

  
"Let's just cut the crap okay? I know you have a massive hard on for Fabray and I'm offering help to get rid of Finnept and Trouty Mouth. Take it or leave it."

  
It took a few moments for Ray to compute what she'd said and by then she was speaking again.

  
"Denial might have worked before the long vacant stare."

  
Still, Ray found himself uncharacteristically unable to word his thoughts and opened and closed his mouth uselessly.

  
"My offer has an expiry date. Ten seconds and I'm out of here."

  
"Wait, what do you get in return?" He managed.

  
This made her pause. Obviously she hadn't thought that far, expecting him to follow her like all the other McKinley lemmings.

  
"You're in a good spot. I need your... inside knowledge and weird ghost ninja abilities."

  
"For what?"

  
"That's for me to know and you to find out."

  
Ray's least favourite phrase. He hated the idea of Santana holding a bargaining chip over his head but he supposed if she hadn't told already, he had a chance to keep it hidden.

  
"I don't even want any of the things you're giving me. Finn and Sam are great guys and Quinn can date whomever she may want."

  
Santana might have lunged for his throat when the bell rang. Instead of throttling him, she grabbed his arm and wrote what Ray presumed was her number on his bare skin. Getting up to go, she glared at him once more.

  
"If you don't want a fat lip, text me."

 

 

To say Quinn was on Cloud Nine would be an understatement. All her nerves were buzzing and her cheek muscles hurt from holding down a grin. She'd worked far too hard to retain her aloof HBIC attitude to have it ruined by a role in a school musical.

  
Granted, the glee kids probably knew how much of a dork she could be when winning show choir tournaments, but they wouldn't dare spread that information. Not if they valued they're lives.

  
Finn's reaction to the news dampened her spirits slightly as he relentlessly whined on about how she might have to kiss Sam or at least dance with him loads and that was 'totally not cool'. She was starting to get a headache from rolling her eyes so much.

  
"Finn, it's just a school play. Mr Shue probably only cast him over you because there's no conceivable way you could win a dance competition."

  
Far from reassuring him, her response set him off on some sulky silence as he trudged down the hall. She knew there must have been some reason why she had tried so hard to get him back but in moments like these she really couldn't see it.

  
The one person she really wanted to share the moment with seemed to have disappeared into thin air, which wasn't improving her spirits. Luckily she'd only have to wait until after class to see him in glee. Not that she was counting down the minutes or anything.

  
Obviously, time had to pass extra slow during Math and Quinn's nails were practically raw from repressed excited energy. She wanted to start rehearsals now - screw glee. She wanted to learn the choreography and put on the 50s dresses or Sandy's catsuit and dominate the stage. Maybe she could convince Ray to come over and sing some of the songs at the top of their lungs like they used to in Middle School.

  
Reel it in, Fabray. The voice in her head sounded eerily like Sue Sylvester. You're starting to look like a geeky five year old.  
Quinn pulled her ponytail tight and straightened her pose just as the bell rang. Dropping her composure in a heartbeat she rushed to the choir room, ready to see Ray's eager form sitting on the seating bank as if he never left.

  
It took her a second to realise the down turned head staring at his phone did not belong to the boy in question, but was decidedly blonder. He looked up as she entered and his face took on his signature lopsided grin. Before he could even open his (rather large) mouth, words fell out of hers.

  
"Where's Ray?"

  
There was a moments silence in which blush crept steadily into her cheeks.

  
"I mean because he's always here freakishly early..." Nice save.

  
Sam suddenly looked concerned and slightly guilty, which wasn't a great sign.

  
"He texted me saying he wasn't feeling well - stomach bug apparently. His dad insisted he went home."

  
It was obvious Sam didn't believe a word he was relating but Quinn couldn't exactly press him for information. That would make her seem concerned about Ray. Which she was, obviously, but that didn't mean everyone else had to know.  
Interrupting her complex mind politics, her phone buzzed.

_I'm very sorry I didn't get to congratulate you on your role. You deserve it. R_

Quinn felt the urge to grin like an idiot but kept it in check. At this rate she was going to explode when she got home.  
After shooting off a quick thanks, she sat down in the seat next to Sam. Despite how aggravatingly puppy-like he could be, she supposed she should probably get to know her co-star a little better. Keeping her body and face turned to the front so as not to seem interested in anything Sam might say, she waited for him to inevitably start the conversation.

  
"Well done on getting Sandy." There we go. "You deserve it."

  
Somewhere in the back of her mind Quinn noted how the same words coming from Sam hadn't had the same effect.

  
"Thanks. You too."

  
There was another pregnant pause and Quinn was thinking she might have to come up with a topic just to save them both from this discomfort. She opened her mouth to ask about his extracurriculars but her words were cut off by his own.

  
“Was everything okay after I dropped you off the other day?”

  
What. The. Hell.

  
Did he seriously just ask that? She had to work hard not to fire a harsh retort at him. She wasn't going to fail at the first hurdle of getting to know him.

  
“It was fine.”

  
That was all she was going to give him and she hoped he got the hint from her curt tone.

  
“If you ever wanna talk about anything…” Evidently not.

  
“I'm fine.” She snapped before he could go any further.

  
She thought the arrival of another glee member would save her from this stifling awkwardness but watching Finn’s already thunderous expression darken as he turned into the room did nothing to help the atmosphere. He said nothing, just stomped up to a seat on the other side of the room. She wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of turning her head to see what he was doing.

  
Luckily, Santana was next and Quinn left the seat next to Sam to sit with her. Neither of them said anything, simply watching as the rest of the members filed in and filled the room with excited and bitter chatter.

  
Despite the eagerness to surround themselves with discussion about Grease, Mr Shuester decided to go on a rant about another ancient band and how inspirational it was. Quinn quickly tuned out and slipped out her phone, careful to keep it angled away from Santana. Although she probably didn't need to because the girl’s eyes were glued on the couple on the other side of the seating bank.

_Well done for ur part too. You’ll do it amazingly._

  
She looked over the message. Too forward? Probably. A thrill of adrenaline went through her as she sent it off.

  
People went up and performed songs that were probably pretty good but Quinn was far too busy checking her phone for a response. After what felt like an age it buzzed.

_The nerdy baby of the group? I won't really have to act._

Quinn knew he meant it to be read with a degree of humour but she felt the urge to reassure him. She quickly typed out a reply.

_The character profile also said he has a charming smile so it's perfect casting._

Now that was definitely way too forward. Considering deleting the whole thing, she looked up and made eye contact with Finn. His face was still pinched with distrust and hurt which way outweighed the situation and sent a spike of irritation into her chest.

  
Without keeping her eyes off him she pressed send. She raised her immaculately groomed eyebrow, determined not to lose this stare down. Finn eventually shook his head and looked to the front.

  
Then the panic hit. Had she seriously just sent that? Two minutes passed, then three, without a response. Quinn didn't know why this nervousness gnawed at her stomach so much. She had no problem saying little flirty comments to boys, and girls.

  
“ _It's all about the teasing and not about the pleasing_.”

  
Despite her slight mishap in the past, she lived by that motto.

  
But Ray was different. He wasn't someone she didn't mind pushing away when it came to it. In the little time they had gotten to re-learn their friendship, he'd become someone invaluable to her. And that terrified her. But ruining it terrified her more.  
Mr Shue wrapped up the session with a stomach-turning cheesy speech and sent them on their way. Quinn had forgotten all tensions she had with Finn or Sam. All her attention was focused on her phone. And it's lack of new messages.

 

 

It was a Saturday and Ray hadn't gotten out of bed. His fathers were undoubtedly talking worriedly downstairs about his health due to his uncommonly lethargic behaviour but he didn't have the energy to calm their spirits. All he wanted to do was lie in bed all day and listen to his Sad Songs from Musicals playlist.

  
Then On My Own came on and he groaned and rolled over. It had to be followed by I’m Not That Girl to really hit his headache home. Santana’s crass words echoed around his head like a nineties movie effect and try as he might he couldn't turn it off.

  
He really did like her. Like, a lot. A ridiculously large amount.

  
And that stupid message.

  
Ray had looked at it consistently every couple of minutes for about 24 hours now. Each time he did it made him nauseous as his heart and mind had a fist fight.

  
_That is blatant flirting. She must like me._

  
_Are you an idiot she's just being nice because you were a self deprecating jerk._

  
Etcetera.

  
He knew that not replying wasn't the best way to deal with it but he honestly had no clue how to respond. Several messages had been typed out and rapidly deleted.

  
The doorbell rang and there was the sound of muffled voices before Ray heard the sound of footsteps on the stairs. They halted just outside his door and Ray knew that could mean only one thing.

  
“Hey, Ray. Can I come in?” Always the gentleman, Sam Evans’ voice just about penetrated his moderately soundproofed door.

  
Just the man he didn't want to see. Out of all the girls, Ray had to fall for his best friend's crush (who also happened to be dating the Quarterback and was a very religious Christian and- stop coming up with these lists they're not helping).

  
Ray groaned loudly in response, conscious that he couldn't exactly turn his friend away but unable to form a greeting. Sam took it as one anyway and stepped through the door. His furtive look of concern and guilt only made Ray feel worse.

  
“I wasn't buying the whole stomach bug excuse. What's up, man?”

  
Of course he wasn't. Ray wondered if anyone had bought it. Or if anyone had cared.

  
_Pfft, anyone? You mean Quinn._

  
“I'm absolutely fine, Sam. Really.”

  
“We’re all worried about you.”

  
Why did he have to be such a puppy? It was impossible to want to disappoint those puppy dog eyes. Ray looked at him helplessly, unable to tell his best friend why he was so upset but also unable to turn him away.

  
“There's no reason to be. I'm fine, just a little under the weather that’s all.”

  
Sam’s face didn't clear but he nodded, knowing that pushing was going to get him nowhere.

  
“Too under the weather to hang out? It's cool if you want me to go.”

  
“No I'd love to. Did you have anything in mind?” Ray knew he couldn't reject the offer, and who knows? Maybe it would help him get out of his head.

  
Sam quickly rummaged in his rucksack and brought out two sci-fi movies and Chicago.

  
“Haven't seen this one,” he said, motioning at the musical, “but I've heard it's good.”

  
Ray’s face lit up and his posture straightened. If there was any film that could distract him from a crush this was the one. Although now that he thought about it Quinn would make a great Roxie Hart and- damn it the film was ruined.

  
“Sounds good to me. I'll set it up.” Ray was proud of how well he retained his smile despite the mental hell to come.

  
He quickly slid the DVD into the player and jumped back into bed, joined by his friend. Before he could start the movie Sam turned to him.

  
“You know if there is anything wrong you can tell me. I won't judge. We're bros.”

  
Turning to see a face full of sympathy and concern, Ray found himself making a decision. He knew in that moment that Sam would never try to hurt him. So Ray was going to tell him the truth. Well, half of the truth - he didn't need to know about his feelings for Quinn because they were never going to lead anywhere.

  
Ray drew in a deep breath to try and soothe the queasy feeling rising in his stomach and shifted in his bed to face him. Sam mirrored him, waiting patiently.

  
“There's this thing…” Ray cringed at his lack of eloquence, “that sometimes makes me feel sad - not because it's a bad thing I just-“

  
Ray huffed, frustrated that none of the words he'd rehearsed for years would come to mind.

  
“It's something that's a part of me and I've run from it and hidden it for so long that I'm used to hating that part of me.”

  
Sam looked confused but very much engaged and Ray knew he couldn't go back now.

  
“I'm transgender. When I was born the doctor said “It's a girl!” and everyone treated me like one for most of my life, but it never felt right. It's hard to understand but I just knew - know - that I'm a boy. It took me a long time to go to my dads even though I knew they would be supportive but eventually I did and I went through treatment to help me feel comfortable in my own body.”

  
It came out in a rush and Ray had to take a deep breath. Sam was obviously overloaded with the rush of new information and it took him a moment to process. During this moment the sickly sensation Ray knew all too well descended into his stomach.   
Suddenly Ray felt himself being pulled into a bear hug and the warmth and security of it sent tears to his eyes.

  
“Thank you for trusting me, man. I'm so proud of you.”

  
Those words sent the tears cascading out of Ray’s eyes and they wouldn't stop. When they both drew back from the hug he tried in vain to stem the flow out of embarrassment.

  
“Thank you.” Ray managed to get out.

  
It reduced his embarrassment to see those words bring some tears to Sam’s eyes too. The two of them shifted back into their previous positions without another word and Ray pressed play on the remote. Despite the massive change they could both feel in the atmosphere, it was the most comfortable they'd ever felt around each other.

* * *

 

So I've said this far too often but I really am sorry for posting this soo late. Hopefully the excitement of the chapter is enough for you to forgive me. I should have lots more time to write now that exams and school are over but procrastination is my biggest vice so I am making no promises (sorry!). Thanks for everyone's support it seriously means the world! 

 


	10. Chapter 10

Sam’s visit had considerably cheered Ray up and lifted the weight of isolating secrecy and anxiety a bit, but one look at the phone number scrawled on his arm brought his heart right back into his throat. How was he supposed to convince Santana that he didn't want her help seducing Quinn when she wouldn't take no for an answer?

  
No matter what consequences reaching out to her might bring, worse would follow radio silence. As soon as Sam left, Ray plucked up the courage to pull out his phone and type a suitable message.

 

_Greetings Santana, this is Ray. Although I must refuse your offer of help, I am still willing to offer my assistance to you. Let me know!_

 

Ray knew the text was oozing exaggerated formality but he didn't know how else to address her. Hitting send, he reclined in the bed he hadn't left all day, once again thinking about the girl who hadn't left his mind. He would have thought thinking about someone so much would get boring but every time his thoughts made his stomach ache and his fingers fidgety.

  
A buzz surprised him and he glanced down at Santana’s shockingly rapid response.

 

_Y do u text like ur from the 1900s??_

 

Ray had prepared a defensive response when his phone buzzed again.

 

_U know Brittany? I need u to get close to her_

 

Ray frowned. He knew that the two cheerleaders had been quite distant lately but he thought they were close friends. Why did Santana need him to spy on her?

 

_Why?_

 

Santana’s reply was almost instantaneous and carried the cutting tone he'd heard often.

 

_I've told u midget that's none of ur business. Unless u want me to tell ur bestie u want to get it on with his crush?_

 

Ray huffed like a frustrated child, indignant that he was being blackmailed on top of his existing issues. He thought about not replying and refusing to be blackmailed but the result of that terrified him.

 

_Fine I'll do it. What am I listening out for though?_

 

This gave Santana pause. It took her a whole two minutes to formulate a response and send it.

 

_Just anything to do w me. Or Artie._

 

Specific, Ray thought to himself. He refrained from sarcasm through text and simply sent off a one word answer.

 

_Right_.

 

Ray flicked shut his phone and swung his legs over the side of his bed. He needed to move, get rid of that antsy feeling. He quickly slid into some comfortable clothes that disguised any feminine curves and crept down the stairs.

Just his luck, his fathers were sitting in the kitchen talking mutedly over cups of coffee. Hiram was facing him and noticed him immediately.

“Hey buddy! You're up!” 

“Yeah uh I just wanted to go for a quick walk. Stretch my legs.” Ray hated the fact that somehow he'd made the truth sound like a lie.

Leroy furrowed his brow slightly but wasn't going to stop his son, especially since it was getting him out of his room.

“As long as you're back for dinner at 7.”

Ray nodded gratefully and headed towards the door.

  
“Ray,” Leroy called from the kitchen counter, “take care of yourself.”

  
“I will.”

  
His father’s concern sent a warm feeling into Ray's chest. He'd been so lucky to have such accepting and caring parents and that thought made his heart ache for kids across the world who weren't as lucky as him.

  
Maybe he lived in a small conservative town and maybe he'd be bullied to no end if people found out about his identity, but he had at least four people who were there for him regardless of the fact that he was trans.

  
The sun was setting and the air was starting to tug icily through Ray’s jacket, but he found the sensation refreshing after his stuffy room. He wasn't quite sure where he was going, letting his feet take him through various streets he knew so well.

  
Obviously he'd brought his iPod with him and various genres thudded through his skull as he walked. In the dimming golden light and with his breaths coming out in small clouds, Ray felt an unknown emotion surge through him. It felt like he was in a coming of age movie and each song was an inspirational montage soundtrack.

  
Eventually, he found himself in a green he vaguely recognised, up on a hill that overlooked a lot of Lima. Light was dimming fast and he knew he should be getting back soon but he still needed a moment to take in the view.

  
A muffled voice sounded behind him and he swivelled around suddenly, pulling the earbuds from his ears. There she was, looking absolutely stunning in the dying sunlight, with her headphones around her neck.

  
“What are you doing this side of town?” Quinn looked amused, cocking her eyebrow up slightly.

  
A deep crimson blush crept up Ray’s face and he prayed that it was too dark to properly notice. Now that he'd acknowledged his feelings the very sight of her tied his intestines and tongue into knots.

  
“A-a walk. I've just been wandering around for the past half hour or so. Listening to music.”

  
“Are you feeling better? Sam said you went home with a stomach bug.”

  
The genuine concern in her voice simultaneously broke his heart and made it flutter. He seriously had to get a grip if he was going to survive being her friend.

  
“Yes. I'm not really sure what came over me. Probably not enough sleep. Or hydration. Why are you out here?”

  
Quinn fiddled slightly with her headphones but kept her eyes on Ray, naturally making him supremely uncomfortable.

  
“I've been listening to the songs, from Grease. To get a good sense of them, you know?” She grimaced slightly at her response but Ray found it endearing how dedicated she was to the musical.

  
Ray looked down at his feet, guilty about how much he was letting his personal feelings prevent him from dedicating himself to Grease. It was a musical for god’s sake, he should be over the moon.

  
“I listened to your song and it's probably my favourite.”

  
This made Ray’s head shoot back up. He expected Quinn to have said it off-handedly, just stating fact. That way his heart would flutter and gut twist but it would be a passing comment and they'd move on. Instead he saw a softness and a tenderness, something unsure and nervous, in her features. It brought with it far too many thoughts and questions that Ray couldn't handle at that moment.

  
Ray knew he had to say something, anything, to diffuse the rapidly building tension and awkwardness but he couldn't think of a single thing. His whole mind was blank. Just when it became excruciating, the sound of a small bell could be heard dimly.

  
It took Ray another second or two to realise it was his phone and quickly drawing it out he saw the time.

  
18:50

  
Hiram’s text was a gentle: On your way back yet?

  
“Ah I've gotta go. I said I'd be home by seven.” He paused, conscious that he should probably say something nice. “I look forward to rehearsing with you.”

  
It came out uncomfortably formal but she smiled anyway and waved him off as he jogged towards home.

 

 

By the end of the weekend Quinn knew she had to break up with Finn. The boy had probably not done anything especially irritating, but something between them had changed. Maybe it was just her mindset, but whatever it was it made dealing with his general attitude unbearable.

  
Finn had begun the weekend by calling her early on Saturday with a less than mediocre apology that sounded more accusatory than anything, after which he expected an apology in return. Needless to say she refused to grant it to him and the subsequent shouting match ended with Quinn hanging up abruptly.

  
Throughout the rest of it there had been radio silence from the boy. Quinn found all her memories of their relationship stained by this sudden aggravation. His cluelessness turned to callousness, dopiness to carelessness. It was as if someone had flipped a switch and all the things she'd found easy to overlook or even cute in a Finn sort of way bothered her to no end.

  
So by the time the first Grease rehearsal came around she was at her wits end. They were working on one of the first scenes, in which the guys and girls spoke in their groups in the cafeteria. Fortunately, this meant little interaction with Finn and with Sam (which would consequently aggravate Finn).

  
That was until the end where the two groups met and Sandy and Danny had to exchange a momentary loving interaction. Quinn’s eyes kept slipping past Sam to Finn’s rapidly reddening cheeks and had to fight down the urge to slap them redder.  
Didn't he understand the concept of acting?

  
After about ten run throughs of the scene Mr Shuester dismissed the 11 students, telling them everything looked “promising” and he was “very excited to see the end result”.

  
Quinn could tell Finn wanted to simply continue the cold treatment and storm right out, but she wasn't going to let that happen. She wasn't going to let his stupid logic take the high ground. She hurried after him, trying hard not to seem desperate.

  
She caught him at the end of the hall and pulled him into the closest room, which happened to be the choir room. Memories of Finn kicking over a chair in utter rage and betrayal came floating up into her mind to Quinn’s dismay. Pushing down the residual guilt, she squared up to her enormous boyfriend (seriously had he always been that big?).

  
“We need to talk.”

  
“I don't wanna talk.” Finn’s voice sounded nasal and childish. “Every time we talk you end up shouting at me and calling me stupid.”

  
That's because you are stupid, Quinn wanted to snap back, but held her tongue.

  
“Well do you have a better idea? Because ignoring each other only works for so long.”

  
Finn frowned and pouted, looking like a giant baby, but said nothing.

  
“Okay you know what? I apologise for being so snappy the other day. What I will not apologise for, however, is ridiculing your idea that acting with Sam constitutes as a form of cheating. It's completely ridiculous.”

  
“Fine! Maybe it is ridiculous! But you know what, it's hard to know what to think with you as a girlfriend!” Finn shouted, the force of his words and their connotations momentarily stunning Quinn into silence.

  
The pause that followed was heavy with tension that even Finn in his temper sensed.

  
“What is that supposed to mean?” Quinn's voice was coated in warning, making certain Finn knew to choose his words carefully.

  
“Just that… You're the-the Queen of the school and everyone either wants to be you or date you. And you've been spending less and less time with me recently-“

  
“You cancelled two dates so you could play Call of Duty with Puck!”

  
“That's ‘cause when I'm around you you're always criticising me. I always have to deal with the thought that I'm not good enough for you and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being scared you're just gonna go off and…” Finn trailed off and suddenly looked slightly sheepish but retained his frown and flushed cheeks.

  
Quinn didn't even ask this time. She simply stared him down, her glare boring holes into him.

  
“Who’s to say you're not gonna go and sleep with someone else again?”

  
She'd known that was what he was implying from the start but it's actual vocalisation left her reeling.

  
“We talked about this I thought we agreed to put it behind us?” Her voice came out soft and vulnerable and she hated it.

  
“Well it's kinda hard to stop thinking about how my girlfriend has a baby somewhere that's not mine.”

  
The mention of Beth took all the air out of her lungs. Guilt about abandoning her daughter piled on top of the guilt of cheating on Finn. But there was also an anger there. Why had he agreed to take her back and forget their past issues only to use it against her when he was feeling self conscious? Her throat was beginning to close up but she managed to speak a few words.

  
“Then maybe I shouldn't be your girlfriend.”

  
That was all she was going to manage and she quickly turned on her heel, striding out of the room and down the hall, leaving Finn to interpret her words.

  
“Wait, did you just break up with me?”

 

 

Naturally, the Quinn/Finn breakup was the talk of the school for several weeks, which helped make rehearsals incredibly awkward. Pretty much every post on Jacob Ben Israel’s blog was a new theory about why it had happened. The highlights included Puck getting Quinn pregnant again, Finn having a threesome with Santana and Brittany, and Quinn falling for the musical’s leading man: Mr Sam Evans.

  
Even Mr Shue had caught wind of the separation and very obviously tiptoed around the topic, often shooting Finn apologetic looks whenever Quinn and Sam had to interact. This made something that was supposed to be an escape, a painstaking experience to say the least.

  
The worst thing was that none of her friends seemed to care. They were either too caught up in their own drama or tiptoed around the subject like Shue. Quinn thought about approaching Mercedes about it, since they had become close after Quinn’s brief lodging at the Jones household, but she didn't want to make her any more uncomfortable about being Finn’s on stage love interest.

  
Obviously the person she wanted to talk to was Ray. He'd become her go-to person to rant and complain to, mostly about little things, but it felt wrong to talk to him about Finn. It wasn't like she thought he would react badly or it would change something; she knew he'd be cool and supportive.

  
She decided to put it down to the fact that she didn't know how he felt about Finn and she didn't want to make things awkward between them. Plus, he usually asked her about parts of her life to make her open up and that was one subject that was starkly absent from his questioning.

  
Quinn looked forward to their Friday night chats on the phone or on MySpace more than she had looked forward to anything in recent years. They were like a little bubble, away from the outside world, in which they could enthuse about Grease, complain about life and look forward to the future.

  
It was during one of these scheduled sessions in which Quinn's phone buzzed unexpectedly. Reluctantly turning from the computer screen and the conversation about Sue’s felon-worthy behaviour, she looked at the screen to see who as calling.

Russell Fabray.

  
Quinn felt her stomach drop and her heartbeat quicken as she gazed at the vibrating phone, deciding whether she should pick it up. Her indecision led to it going to voicemail and sure enough, her father left one.

  
Rather than listening to it immediately, Quinn turned back to the computer and relayed the situation to Ray. He replied almost instantly and something about his concern left a pang in her abdomen.

 

_Are you okay? You don't have to engage with him if you don't feel ready._

 

She knew she wasn't anywhere near ready but curiosity and a tiny remaining glimmer of hope were pushing her to do it anyway. She hated herself for being so weak when it came to her father. No matter how awful he could be she always felt the need to please him.

  
Another message popped up from Ray and it was like he could read her mind.

 

_Equally, however, if you want to it doesn't mean you're giving in too easy. It is completely understandable._

 

Right then and there she wanted to hug him. He diffused her anxieties so easily it was crazy. She reached a decision and let him know the plan.

 

_I'm gonna listen to the voicemail. If he says anything convincing me to talk to him I'll call back. If not I'm ignoring him._

 

The rush of adrenaline when typing her last sentence empowered her and she scooped up the phone. While dialling voicemail, another message appeared on her screen, making her smile.

 

_Good luck :)_

 

The artificial voice took its sweet time to explain everything and by the time the message actually played Quinn’s knee was bouncing up and down violently. The sound of Russell’s voice made bile rise ever so slightly up her throat.

 

_Good evening, Quinn… I was just calling to reiterate what I said at dinner the other night about the importance of family… I um hope you can look past our differences and… keep in touch. Right. Goodbye._

 

Quinn was dumbstruck. Was that seriously his idea of an apology? Obviously not; he didn't even attempt to acknowledge any wrong. Resisting the urge to hurl her phone at the wall, she made do with her bed. It was thoroughly unsatisfactory and she searched frantically for some way to relieve the anger and frustration that boiled inside her. Screaming into a pillow would have to do.

  
The computer was her next target and she poured it out through words, conscious that she was probably making little sense.

 

_No way. He's an idiot I can't talk to him. How does he not see how stupid the things he's saying are I just can't understand how anyone can be that blind. He thinks he's so clever about everything but he doesn't know a thing about being a decent fucking human being. I know what I did was wrong I get why he kicked me out but he's such a fucking hypocrite. I hate him so much_

 

She expected her offloading to reduce her to tears but instead she just felt relieved. It was the first time she had expressed explicitly her feelings about her father and just saying (well writing) those words felt amazing.

  
Ray’s response was obviously perfect.

 

_You have every right to hate him, Quinn. He forfeited any right to fatherhood when he kicked out his daughter in her hour of need. You have no reason to feel as though you deserved homelessness because of a one time mistake. Though it doesn't compare to the real thing I am sending a virtual hug to show my support and pride._

 

A photo followed his message of a kitten with its arms out that made her giggle like a four year old. Her heart swelled with indescribable emotion that she wished she could convey to him, but she knew no words could quite encompass everything she felt.

 

_I need you to know how grateful I am for all you've done for me recently. I genuinely don't know where I'd be without your support. So thank you_

 

Quinn reviewed her message and, though still unsatisfied, hit send. She found herself imagining his reaction. Would he blush and be all bashful? Or would that stellar smile light up his face? Maybe he wouldn't care at all and was simultaneously messaging someone he cared much more about.

 

_That honestly means the world to me, Quinn. It is heartwarming to know I can contribute to your happiness._

 

Somehow Ray’s formal tone didn't subtract from his message but made Quinn feel even more special. Like she was the protagonist of some Jane Austen novel. Ray was no Mr Darcy and Quinn was certainly no Elizabeth Bennett but at that moment they felt like something so much better.

 

 

  
How Ray found himself feeding ducks on a Friday afternoon with one Brittany Pierce, he couldn't tell you for the life of him. He'd naturally been spending more time with her due to Santana’s coercion but to be perfectly honest the trip from school to the duck pond came up blank.

  
It may have been somewhat connected to his intermittent daydreaming about Quinn and their budding relationship (and by that he obviously meant friendship). Despite his resolution to focus on developing his platonic feelings, his romantic ones only burnt stronger every time they talked.

  
Back to the ducks, Brittany was endearingly commenting on each individual duck’s biography and how it affected their feeding habits. She suddenly made a comment that caught Ray’s attention.

  
“This duck here, she really loves her husband duck, Rodney. But she also likes Patricia, that one she’s eating with there.” Her voice turned a funny tone that sounded almost wistful. “Actually, she thinks she's probably in love with Patricia, but she doesn't want to hurt Rodney. And she doesn't know if she can be with Patricia.”

  
Ray waited for an explanation but none came. Tentatively he decided to push; it seemed like it was the biggest clue to the whole Santana enigma.

  
“Why wouldn't she be able to be with Patricia? Surely, if she loves her it is worth it.”

  
Brittany turned from the pond and gave Ray a sympathetic look, as if he were too naive to understand.

  
“They're both girl ducks. If they got together, the other ducks might laugh at them and bully them. And Patricia wouldn't like that.”

  
Ray knew for sure now that they were talking about something much more important than the lives of ducks. He was surprised at how open Brittany was about the situation before realising that she probably didn't expect him to realise she was speaking about herself.

  
“What if they didn't tell anyone? They could be together in secret, couldn't they?”

  
Ray didn't know why he was advocating so hard for Brittany to enter into a relationship with Santana, it wasn't like she had been the kindest person to him, but something about the way that Brittany spoke about “Patricia” tugged at his heartstrings. There was a sense of utter longing that he couldn't help but relate to.

  
Brittany smiled a sad smile but didn't reply, simply digging out some more breadcrumbs and scattering them across the water. Ray noticed that the female ducks Brittany had assigned her story to were nibbling on the same piece of bread.

  
Their conversation stopped and started over the following quarter of an hour and Ray found himself having some surprisingly philosophical discussions about the existence of good and unicorns. That same wistful look always resumed when conversation stopped and Ray was almost relieved when Brittany excused herself to deal with her egomaniacal cat.

  
Ray remained staring at the assembly of birds in front of him, wishing his life could be as simple as theirs, before slipping out his phone and dialling Santana. As the ringing tone chimed in his ear he felt a pang of guilt about relaying all that Brittany had told him in confidence. Though, he reminded himself, his arm was being twisted.

  
“Sup?” Santana answered after only a few rings.

  
“I just had a conversation with Brittany and it seems- well it was all rather abstract but-“

  
“Cut to the chase, Velma. What did she say?”

  
“Well she was talking about ducks-

  
“ _Berry_ …”

  
“But the ducks closely resembled your situation!”

  
Ray paused, unsure whether Santana wanted him to continue.

  
“I'm listening.” Her tone was impatient but held a note of curiosity.

  
“What she seemed to suggest was that she-“ Ray hesitated.

  
Was Santana comfortable with discussing the romantic side of things with him? He'd been ordered to gather information about what Brittany was saying about her so surely she would be prepared. However, Brittany seemed to suggest Santana wasn't entirely confident in her sexuality.

  
He took a deep breath and ploughed ahead anyway. It had to be addressed at some point.

  
“-loves you and what is preventing her from pursuing anything is the fear of hurting Artie and putting you in a position you wouldn't be comfortable with.”

  
This was met with dead silence. He was just about to speak again to check the line hadn't gone dead when he heard her take in a shaky breath. It was tiny and barely noticeable but, coming from someone as stoic as Santana, it rattled him. Suddenly he realised he was meddling in something far more intense than a high school crush. These girls’ hearts really were on the line.

  
“So that's probably enough information, right? You don't really need me to continue-“ Ray tried to slip his way out of the situation, ever averse to drama, but was cut off by Santana’s hoarse demand.

  
“You gotta help me get her back.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I know it's a bit of a filler and this is turning into quite a slow burn fic but I will hopefully be speeding the story along soon (although what I tend to write never resembles my plans so who knows?).
> 
> As ever, your comments motivate me like nothing else and I am forever grateful because I seriously want to complete this story!


	11. Chapter 11

  
Weeks passed filled with Grease rehearsals and daily cocktails of confusing feelings. A lovely mixture of Russell Fabray, Finn Hudson and Ray Berry, with a sprinkling of Sam Evans, kept her mind occupied and distracted from her usual activities.

  
Why couldn't the men in her life cut her some slack? Not that all of them were overstepping boundaries, Ray was naturally the perfect gentleman. But to be honest that was part of the issue. He made her feel too comfortable and happy and her walls were slipping down.

  
It didn't help that he'd also suddenly chummed up with Santana and Brittany. Their secret chats didn’t feel so special when he was doing the same with two of her friends, who just happened to be some of the most attractive girls in the school.

  
What if he fell in love with one of them and his friendship with Quinn became sidelined?

  
Quinn knew that she was being paranoid but that didn't stop the thoughts from surfacing frequently. And they were certainly present two weeks before the performance dates when Shue commented on their lack of group camaraderie and suggested they partake in a group activity to encourage the right sort of energy for the stage.

  
Santana immediately spoke up, suggesting a pool party.

  
“Ray’s got a pool. He could host.”

  
The core cast all turned to stare at her. How the hell did she know Ray’s domestic facilities? Santana herself looked indifferent, verging on bored, especially when no one responded.

  
“Just an idea…”

  
Ray chuckled nervously and all heads turned to him, Quinn's head the swiftest of all.

  
“I-I would love to offer all I can to the cause but I'm not sure my parents would allow it.”

  
“But you'll ask?” Santana chimed in again, suspicious saccharine sweetness to her tone.

  
Quinn definitely caught the death stare that was met with a wink and felt her stomach twist painfully. Ray huffed and muttered his reluctant assent. He flitted his eyes over the curious faces and settled on Quinn for a moment before quickly averting them.

  
The rest of the rehearsal went by as normal as usual, only Quinn was suddenly hyper aware of any interaction between Ray and Santana. It wasn't like she was jealous of their friendship, or whatever it was. She just knew that Santana had a knack for bewitching innocent boys and stepping all over them. Heck, that had been the Unholy Trinity’s tactic throughout high school. But Ray deserved better than that.

  
Quinn decided she would confront Santana, somehow without revealing her relationship with Ray, to ascertain her intentions. So once the rehearsal disbanded, she subtly fell into step beside her friend.

  
“So Ray Berry has a pool. And you know this because…?”

  
Santana chuckled, unimpressed by Quinn’s interrogation technique.

  
“So I know about Berry’s crib. You care because…?”

  
Quinn opened her mouth to shoot back some cutting reply but found it stuck in her throat. Santana’s easy acknowledgement had caught her off guard. She made it seem like it wasn't a big deal, and thus made Quinn feel stupid for the care she'd taken in hiding her friendship with the boy in question.

  
Finally she forced herself to say something to avert suspicion.

  
“Just he doesn't seem your usual taste, that's all.”

  
“Maybe it's time we all broadened our palettes.” She said easily, then added with a little more bite: “Brittany’s trying out nerd and it seems to be going great.”

  
An irrational burst of anger rushed through Quinn. How dare she use him as an outlet for her messed up love life. He wasn't some toy to play with to make Brittany jealous. He deserved someone who liked him for how sweet and appreciative he was.

  
“So you're gonna mess with some poor guy’s feelings so that Brittany will come running back to you? Classy.” She tried her hardest to say it nonchalantly and sarcastically but it came out with a noticeably harsh undertone.

  
Santana tightened her grip around her bag strap but didn't slow her pace or turn to confront Quinn. It took her a moment to formulate a response and when she did her tone wasn't cutting or angry but playful.

  
“‘Poor guy’, huh?” She finally slowed and turned to look Quinn right in the eyes. “Has our resident HBIC grown a heart since her breakup or does she only care about this specific nerd’s feelings?”

  
She cocked her head to the side, awaiting an answer with an infuriating faux-innocent look that always got to Quinn.

  
“Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe Brittany chose Artie because you do things like this?”

  
The innocent look dropped rapidly from Santana's face and for a second it looked like she was going to slap Quinn then and there.

  
Good, Quinn thought. Let her try. I need some way to take out this frustration.

  
Instead, Santana just relaxed and turned on her heel, striding toward her car.

  
“Whatever, Q. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.”

  
Quinn was left in the parking lot, staring after her frenemy in disbelief. What the hell was she talking about?

 

 

True to his word, Ray had asked his parents whether he'd be permitted to host a pool party, obviously adding that it was completely understandable if not and someone else could easily host.

  
Just his luck, his fathers were ecstatic and readily agreed. They'd seen him grow more confident day by day, with his increasing list of friends and extra curricular activities, and now he was engaging in a rite of passage for every teenager - a party.

  
They immediately organised an activity that kept them out of the house for the chosen date until the evening (a beginners pottery class) and encouraged Ray to think about food and drink (as if he wasn't stressing out about it already). When Hiram was out of earshot, Leroy whispered to Ray.

  
“I get that it's a party and you're teenagers, so I'll let some alcohol pass. But no liquor.”

  
Ray nodded vehemently and added alcohol to the list of things he would stress over.

  
Santana had messaged him about adding the other glee members who weren't part of the core ten to the guest list so she could construct some elaborate plan to woo Brittany. He knew he could simply lie to her and the others about his fathers’ consent and let someone else take the burden. It would be so easy. But his parents’ excitement had rubbed off on him and something inexplicable was urging him to follow through.

  
That was until half an hour before the agreed time. Santana had come early to prep him on her plans and his role as her wingman. He'd nodded along with mounting anxiety until he felt ready to burst.

  
“I don't think I can do this. We should call it off, say I’ve come down with something, vomit everywhere.”

  
Santana rolled her eyes in frustration and glared at him with her signature look, but he noticed a hint of fondness softened it ever so slightly.

  
“Berry, what's actually freaking you out? Because you know I'm here to help with party maintenance. And I'm a pro.”

  
Ray knew the real reason. He had refused to admit it to himself but confronted now with Santana’s question he was forced to acknowledge it. It felt superficial and silly to admit but the thought that was giving him most anxiety was… well it was being in the presence of Quinn in a bathing suit. Not to mention Sam with his rippling abs that she would likely fawn over.

  
He couldn't tell Santana that. She'd only try harder to convince him to pursue her, which wouldn't work. Looking at her expression, however, he realised it was too late. She'd guessed.

  
“It's nothing really I just-“

  
“Cut the crap. Just tell me the truth.”

  
She looked at him so honestly and openly it was breaking his resolve.

  
“There's no point trying to hide from it. I'd know.”

  
Now there was something so vulnerable and wistful in her expression that Ray felt like he'd been shown something so rare it was mythical - the girl behind Santana Lopez’s mask.

  
“Fine, yes, I do… have feelings for Quinn.” Ray acknowledged and saw only encouragement in Santana’s eyes. “There's just something so special about her and I'm not even sure what it is. Seeing her makes me want to punch a wall but when I'm not around her all I can think about is the next time I will be.”

  
A hot blush crept into his cheeks and he clamped his mouth shut, unwilling to embarrass himself further. Santana seemed to recognise that the conversation had become too heavy and shifted back into her usual sarky demeanour, which Ray found strangely comforting.

  
“Well that was sappy as fuck…” She said, shooting him a wink.

  
Further conversation was interrupted by the doorbell. Ray checked the clock and saw it was already time for the guests to arrive. He quickly made his way to the door to let in the first (well second) attendee.

  
Swinging it open, ready with a smile and a greeting, Ray’s heart dropped into his stomach. Quinn stood, framed by a warm early afternoon glow, wearing a loose white shirt over her bikini top with her hair in a messy ponytail. She smiled when she saw his face. Ray could have died on the spot.

  
“Hey, sorry am I early?” She said in that soft voice she only ever seemed to use around him.

  
He managed to shake his head vehemently and beckoned for her to come in and drop her bag in the hall. When she'd straightened up, they found themselves silently regarding each other in the cramped hallway.

  
This reverie was suddenly broken by Santana calling from the kitchen.

  
“Hey, Berry, who is it?”

  
Ray saw Quinn stiffen at the sound and look away but he just couldn't do the same.

  
“We uh have some drinks and snacks in the kitchen. If you…”

  
Quinn nodded curtly and he led her through. Ray saw Santana’s eyes widen slightly as Quinn entered but thankfully she kept it subtle.

  
“Yo, Q, you gotta try these pretzels.” She said casually, burying her fist in the bowl and taking out a handful.

  
“I'm fine.”

  
Ray couldn’t think of any topic of conversation and so busied himself with being a good host.

  
“Anything to drink? We've got juice, soda, water…”

  
“Could I have a glass of water?” Quinn asked.

  
Ray nodded and looked to Santana.

  
“Oh uh yeah water too.”

  
While he served the two glasses of water, the room was plunged into complete silence. Both girls looked at him expectantly as if he was obviously supposed to be doing something he was unaware of.

  
“How was your journey?” He tried.

  
Quinn didn't change her expression, simply replying: “Good. It's nice and sunny.”

  
“Perfect for a pool party!” Ray added, trying desperately to inject some enthusiasm into the conversation.

  
Quinn nodded and started fiddling with her sunglasses. Santana just hummed. Why weren't they helping him out?

  
After a very uncomfortable moment, Santana abruptly stood up and dusted the salt from her fingers.

  
“I need the restroom.” She stated and strode out of the kitchen.

  
That left Quinn. Though he would usually find it easy to talk to Quinn for hours, something felt different about the atmosphere between them. She almost seemed hostile and wouldn't look directly at him.

  
“Are you okay?” He said, not keen on tiptoeing around the topic until he figured it out.

  
Quinn looked up and he noticed that she looked angry. The doorbell interrupted whatever she was about to say and he reluctantly went to answer as she returned her gaze to the sunglasses.

  
He whipped open the door to reveal Sam, Puck and Mike who burst the quiet bubble of the house with a cheer. They let themselves in and Sam led them to the kitchen. Puck promptly placed a plastic bag full of various bottles on the table with a loud clang.

  
Ray saw Quinn grimace at the bag and remembered her past experiences with Puck and alcohol.

  
“Uh why don't we-“ he began before Santana entered.

  
“Finally the party’s here! Let's get wet and wild!” She yelled and headed straight out the back door to the pool.

  
The boys quickly followed suit, leaving Ray and Quinn once again alone together. Ray pointed after them and chuckled nervously.

  
“I should probably make sure they don't break anything.”

  
“Yeah, I'll help.”

 

 

Within half an hour the rest of the guests had arrived and were scattered about the pool. Santana and Puck had set up some summer tunes on the speaker and someone had started a very amateur game of water polo, which Ray had managed to avoid by keeping Artie company.

  
It had been part of Santana’s plan for Ray to keep him away from Brittany so she had a chance to work her magic. This had turned out or be both very simple for Ray, as Artie couldn't swim, and useful, as it gave Ray an excuse not to either. The boys watched wistfully as their friends frolicked about in the bright blue water.

  
Ray knew he could swim with a t shirt on to hide his scars, but the likelihood of getting weird looks and being questioned made him feel queasy with anxiety. Then again, avoiding the water didn't mean avoiding awkward questioning either.

  
“Hey Ray!” Puck called from the other side of the pool, about to pass the inflatable ball to a teammate. “Stop being boring and join us. It's your party, man. Artie’ll understand.”

  
Everyone seemed to stop and wait for Ray’s response. The attention was suffocating. Ray opened and closed his mouth a few times trying desperately to form an excuse but all his prepared ones had fled.

  
“I-uh don't think… I'm not sure I uh-“

  
“C’mon, dude, Finn’s team need the extra help.” Puck cut in.

  
Finn’s disgruntled “hey” was drowned out by Santana joining in the heckling.

  
“Yeah, Berry, show ‘em how it's done.”

  
She winked at him in encouragement but all Ray could focus on was the mounting panic as he failed to think of a suitable excuse.

  
“Yeah seriously any help would be appreciated. Our asses are getting whooped.” Mike said, throwing an apologetic look at an indignant Finn.

  
Suddenly two voices were speaking at once.

  
“He doesn't have to if-“

  
“Guys just leave it.”

  
It took Ray a moment to recognise the voices of his two closest friends. He saw them glance at each other in surprise before the rest of the guests turned their curious gazes on Quinn. Sam standing up for Ray was expected, they were known best buddies, but Quinn? What did she care?

  
There was an uncomfortable silence as no one voiced the question they were all thinking until Santana spoke up again.

  
“Whatever. You guys would still never beat us.” She said it dismissively, but cast a long pointed look at Ray.

  
Sam also soon turned his attention back to the game but Quinn's gaze lingered longer. Ray’s stomach tightened and tied itself more in knots with every second it remained. Mercifully she looked down and laughed lightly as Sam tumbled into Mike sending them both sprawling.

  
Now Ray was the one who was staring but he just couldn't, no matter how hard he tried, tear his eyes away from her. She really was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen but it wasn't because she had a smaller nose than before, or a toned body, or any of the reasons the vast majority of the McKinley school body found her attractive. In that moment, Ray saw the girl who cared. The girl who cared that she hurt Finn when she cheated on him, who cared that she'd given away her child and couldn't know for sure how she was treated, but most of all, who cared about Ray.

  
Ray had grown accustomed to seeing her switch rapidly between the two Quinns - the Ice Queen and the girl underneath. He wanted more than anything for her to realise that she didn't have to hide away, but then again he knew better than most that sometimes hiding the most vulnerable part of you is a lifeline.

  
Ray was sucked out of his thoughts by the unwelcome appearance of Sugar. They had naturally spent a lot of time together on rehearsals as on stage love interests and Ray could tell she had begun to fixate on him. He didn't understand the appeal of a small social outcast but she certainly found something in him attractive enough to approach him far more than was necessary.

Ray knew he should grant her more patience but something about her mannerisms and personality reminded him too much of himself when he was younger and it grated on his nerves. If he had learnt to control his loud mouth and attention seeking urges why couldn't she?

  
“You guys havin’ fun? This stuff that Puck made is delicious! You should try some, Ray!” Her high pitched voice certainly carried and before Ray pulled his eyes away from the object of his affections he noticed her looking over.

  
Before Ray could respond, Sugar was pushing her straw into his mouth. He reluctantly drank a sip of Puck’s Special Punch and and tried not to gag at the intense mixture of flavours. Sugar was looking at him expectantly as if his approval was required so he nodded slightly and shot her a quick smile.

  
She then started on a long diatribe about something her father had done, during which Ray's sixth crushing sense picked up on Quinn heading inside. He resisted for a few moments, really trying to seem interested in Sugar’s story, before his curiosity got the best of him.

  
Excusing himself with a headache caused by the sun, he nipped inside. There was a momentary silence before Sugar continued her monologue to Artie, the martyr of Ray’s cause. Ray really did feel bad that his alliance with Santana had pitted him against Artie; he really appreciated him as a friend. But that was a problem for another day. Right now all Ray could think about was finding Quinn.

  
He was surprised to find her in the kitchen inspecting a baby photo of him that he'd left up on the wall due to its unisex appearance. She immediately looked up with that guarded expression before realising it was only him.

  
“I was just…” She said, vaguely waving at the photo and not really offering a proper explanation.

  
Ray made his way over and stood next to her, examining the image himself. It had been up there for as long as he could remember and he had long since stopped paying attention to it. It was a photo of him as a toddler holding a microphone made out of cardboard with a gold star painted sloppily on the handle.

  
“Gold star.” Quinn said softly and with a hint of nostalgia. “That was a metaphor, wasn't it? For you being a star.”

  
She said it without a hint of mockery but it still made his ears go hot and red. He still stood by the notion that he would make it someday, though he didn't go about it in the same way as before, but hearing Quinn say it suddenly made it seem silly.  
“I can't believe you remember that.” Ray opted to say, turning the attention away from himself.

  
“I've tried to forget about back then a lot.” She confessed, still staring at the photo. “I feel like… like Lucy was a completely different person to who I am now, but at the same time she's not completely gone. And so I can't forget. Not a single moment.”

  
Ray felt something in his chest stir at those words. He realised, just like Quinn, he'd been struggling with accepting his past without even knowing it. Yes, he was constantly fighting his self hatred and deprecation about himself and his trans identity, but this was more than that. Ray had pushed away everything that made him him, and only by joining joining glee club and coming out of the shadows had he begun to rescue those parts of himself. The old drive and optimism (not about everything but a lot of things) were beginning to return.

  
A large part of that was thanks to Quinn. Being around her and talking like they did before allowed him to slip back into that familiar old persona from time to time. Minus some of his annoying habits like self absorption and boasting.

  
Quinn glanced away from the photo to the window to the garden and Ray could see her walls shoot up again.

  
“We should probably get back to the others. Who knows what Puck might be doing to your pool.”

 

 

The party slowly petered out as the afternoon drew on and people began to head home. Eventually the only people left were Brittany, Santana, Sam and Quinn. Which understandably left Ray a nervous wreck. Sam, Santana and Quinn all seemed like to be trying to wait the others out and prove they were the better friend by staying the longest. Brittany just seemed to be having a great time.

  
Ray managed to choreograph a way of leaving Santana and Brittany alone in the pool by asking the others to help him prepare some dinner, not realising how hellish being alone with Sam and Quinn would be.

  
Sam wasn't the most subtle flirt and, though his methods were often super dorky, they did get the occasional laugh or smile out of Quinn. Each one of these smiles drilled a nail deeper into Ray’s gut. He made a particularly dorky joke that made Quinn laugh out loud when Ray felt himself blurt something out.

  
“Should we watch a movie? We can eat in the den.”

  
The two of them looked up surprised, still in the throws of mirth. They conferred quickly with a nod to each other that made Ray’s jaw clench hard before smiling at him with their innocent friendly smiles.

  
The movie as it turned out opened a whole new can of worms as they argued over what kind of film to watch, not aided by Santana and Brittany’s pinkie linked entry. Eventually, Santana won, partly through scare tactics and the fact that no one really wanted to watch musicals and the second genre the Berry household was most stocked up with was horror (blame Hiram).

  
They carried the pizzas (one vegan) and snacks to the den and Ray sorted out the film as the others flopped onto the couches. When the opening credits emerged he turned back to find Santana and Brittany snuggled on the loveseat (well at least someone was getting the girl) and Sam and Quinn on the sofa. Ray made his way over to them and slotted himself between Quinn and the arm of the sofa, intensely aware that their arms were touching.

  
The movie itself was far less scary than Ray imagined. He made a point of avoiding the horror movie nights Hiram always tried to organise, even when he slipped in a musical one like Sweeney Todd. He'd just assumed they would freak him out to no end and he'd never sleep comfortably again. To be perfectly honest, he could imagine the shadow monsters haunting his imagination when he went to bed, but he was slightly too preoccupied with reality to focus entirely on the film’s terrors.

  
Quinn, to Ray’s surprise, had lost her stoic ice queen demeanour at the first jump scare and at the second, had involuntarily grasped Ray's wrist. Whenever the music started up the slow drawl of suspense, she would squeeze it tighter to prevent jumping. Halfway through, Ray abandoned any hope of digesting his dinner as the butterflies boiled and twisted in his stomach.

  
The mandatory romance at the end worsened matters due to the fact that Quinn’s grip hadn't left his arm, even though the ghosts had been defeated. Rather than the iron clasp of fear, it had lessened into a soft point of connection that Ray was unbearably hyper aware of.

  
At the kiss, he slipped his arm out and unsteadily stood, muttering the word “restroom”. When he got to the bathroom, his hands were trembling and cheeks were blazing. Taking a grip on the sink he took a few deep breaths, tried to reason with his unreasonable feelings and then splashed cold water on his red hot face.

  
“You can do this. She's just Quinn. Remember Middle School? You two would cuddle and not break a sweat so what's the issue now?”

  
Somehow reminding himself of their close proximity in the past did nothing to calm his raging blush. For once he thanked God that he didn't have to deal with the presence of a cisgender boy’s downstairs department or this little crush would have been a lot harder to hide.

  
By the time he returned the film was finished and the lights were on. Sam and Santana were animatedly discussing its best points with sporadic and often irrelevant input from Brittany. Quinn was silently staring into space with a slight frown, every so often looking up and smiling at something someone would say.

  
“Dude, you missed the ending!” Sam noticed him standing in the doorway first.

  
“Yeah you didn't get to see all the cheesy shit. What a loss.” Santana snarked, rolling her eyes in her classic fashion.

  
Ray caught sight of her hand still intertwined with Brittany’s. As much as he was happy for them, his thoughts wouldn't leave Artie and how unfair it was that this was going on behind his back. He desperately didn't want to make a scene but it was already 11:30pm, no one showed any sign of leaving and the girls would undoubtedly hook up if left to their own devices overnight (hook up was the tamest term Ray was permitting himself to use).

  
“Santana, may I speak with you privately for a moment?”

  
There was a pause of excruciating awkwardness, in which the others looked back and forth between him and Santana, before she replied.

  
“Sure, midge, lets go next door.”

  
She gave Brittany’s hand a last squeeze and followed him out of the room. Brittany hadn't picked up on the strangeness of the request and continued smiling blissfully. When they made it out of earshot Santana took her unimpressed HBIC pose, a lot more convincing now she had some of her mojo back.

  
“What’s up?” She asked, curtly.

  
“I'm glad you and Brittany have sorted out your differences but I just want to ask you to take it slow. Anything you… do now isn't fair on Artie.” Santana rolled her eyes but Ray ploughed on. “I know you don't like him but he's not a bad guy and he doesn't deserve to be cheated on. And, I'm appealing to your self-preservation here because it is undeniably a stronger motivation, don't you want to know for sure that you're both on the same page before getting even more invested?”

  
He'd stumped her there. She crossed her arms and huffed before nodding slightly and heading back to the other room. He quickly followed her and made it to the room just in time to hear her declare: “I'm off. See you nerds at school. Britt, I'll give you a lift home?”

  
Surprised, Sam and Quinn muttered goodbyes and watched as Brittany nodded vigorously and followed her out. Before leaving, Santana gave Ray a tight lipped nod and ushered Brittany out the door. When he returned to the den, Sam and Quinn were standing.

  
“I should probably head back too. I can give you a lift, if you want, Quinn?” Sam said.

  
Quinn glanced at Ray, almost as if she wanted to say no and just stay, before gathering her wits and nodding.

  
Within five minutes, they'd left the house and Ray was alone. Not only had he suddenly managed to drive out his closest friends but he'd practically set up alone time between his best friend and the love of both their lives. Okay maybe that last part was a bit over dramatic, but the sentiment still stood. Ray was miserable.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Once again I'm so sorry for the delay you all deserve much better and I really have no excuse other than writer's block. Do look out for the next chapter because major developments will be made after the foundation of this chapter. Hope you enjoy!


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